Back to the Foot-Ture. E2
After our victorious start to life at Rugby Park, we head straight into “The Regis Philbin Challenge Cup” action against East Fife. I stay at the hotel for a couple of days, receiving emails and calls of scout reports and placing more bids that a meth addict at an auction for meth. I decide to go for an unchanged lineup bar the forced changes, with Haunstrup coming in for Stokesey and Hendry for Godden. Luckily both injuries are 2 weeks at most so my panic of reinforcements being required abates slightly.
Cunningham is sent off early and its one way traffic. After breaking the deadlock late in the first half, we add 3 second half strikes to secure progress. Scott Robinson even has time to miss a penalty for the lolz, but this is confident secure football and I’m pleased with the efforts from games 1 and 2.
I have two mooted deals for centre backs lined up but they are wanting eye-watering wages. I boost their signing on fees, confident in the knowledge I have the cash to cover it and scour for loans again to see if I can get anyone cheaper. As it happens, both deals fall through as even brown envelopes with 375k signing on fees arent enough to tempt Roberto Lopes or Andy Boyle away from Shamrock Rovers and Dundalk respectively.
Dejected, I get a tip-off that a couple of Premiership players are already unhappy that they haven’t started as first choice and my trail leads me to Motherwell, where I find a very decent looking centre back available.I lodge a bid and 2 days later…Welcome to the club Liam Donnelly!
He arrives just in time to come into the defence to face Queen of the South in the “Spot the Difference” derby. Ludicrously the scottish FA have both sides in their home kit, leading to a comical 90 minutes in which we eventually come out on top 2–0.
3 days later and we are back at Palmerston for the Scottish League cup. One of the many joys of non-top flight football is the sheer volume of stupid cup fixtures. We bring in Lawless for Anya and McKenzie for Burke as we look to repeat the previous success.
Another 2 goal margin sees us home. Despite conceding a goal with 20 minutes left we easily ride it out to get through to the next round. We leave Dumfries behind with a strong urge to never return any time soon. The bus is boistrous as we fly back up to the ground and enjoy a few beers in town. Chris Burke and Kevin McDonald try to teach the young boys in the squad how to skull pints, but wee Fraser Murray has to be put in a taxi home after 2 Guinnesses.
We get news of our two cup draws in the following days. The Challenge cup sees us facing Stirling Albion for a place in the Quarter-Finals. But the League Cup has us travelling into Glasgow to face Celtic at their place. Whilst this is annoying, it’s a good benchmark for us to see where we are. I’ll be parking about 14 buses but its a benchmark nonetheless.
Its back to league business though as we welcome Dunfermline to Rugby park in the league. I decide to remain with the slightly withdrawn wingers as despite being in 10th, they actually have a decent squad. We swap the wingers again and Stokesy is fit to return to the defence as we put out our strongest lineup of the year so far.
It’s our biggest test of the season so far, but we come out on top thanks to more goals from Melker, Anya and Hendry. We weather a fair amount of second half pressure, but as we get to full-time, I high-five assistant manager Lee Cattermole, who looks like I’ve just called his sister a nonce, and applaud the near-6000 fans in the stadium. It’s a very, very good win.
It’s back to the transfer desk as I look to see if I can pick up anyone else in the last few days. I send off two contract offers to centre backs with debateable work-permit statuses and debate hiring a lockup and a fishing boat on the Isle of Arran to ferry them back and forth. Lee tells me that his father in law is Border Patrol enforcement and that this is a stupid idea, and the mad bastard has the kind of look in his eyes that I don’t want to mess with. I await the home office verdicts.
I decide to transfer list Stephen McGinn as I appear to have a surplus of central midfielders and Hearts come straight in with a bid that I send back offering them a one sided exchange for Peter Haring. I’m pretty sure Ann Budge falls off her chair when she gets the note. But then news! A centre back arrives, fresh off the plane from central Europe bearing Toblerones and gold jewellery of debatable origin. Welcome Alain ‘Don’t call me fucking Jarko’ Wiss!
Hearts reject the exchange but offer 400k, nearly triple the original offer. I bite their hand off and order another bottle of malt to celebrate. I meet the driver in Stirling at Forthbank stadium as we rock up to play in the “Chocolate Hobnob and Ford Focus Challenge Cup” or whatever the fuck its called. Wingers back to attacking. Forza Killie!
Goals from Akpan and Anya put us through to the quarter-finals as we dominate the 3rd division outfit — if we lack a little clinical edge to finish it off. However as the shots metric suggests, in the Book of Rocks 3:16 —
“Thou hast been playing this game for 20 years. If thou cannot beateth the minnow opposition, the thou must destroyeth yon laptop”.
The laptop remains safe for now.
Its only a couple of days before our next league game against Partick Thistle, the true darlings of Scottish Football. With their own anthem (https://youtu.be/n_ndyUlbsZg) and the greatest mascot the world has ever seen, its fair to say that Firhill truly is the home of the banter.
I withdraw the wingers again and bring Matty Godden in upfront. Calum Hendry looks a bit upset but I assure him he’s done nothing wrong. Alain Wiss comes in for his full debut as we look to continue our excellent start to the campaign.
Its fair to say that Melker Hallberg has had an excellent start to life at Rugby Pugby, and he does the business yet again with the opener in the 23rd minute. Scott Robinson puts us 2–0 up just before the break and once again we are on easy street. I spend the second half playing heidy-tennis with Cattermole until Bannigan gets a goal back in the 80th minute. The volley of abuse I give seems to kick Matty Godden into life, and he meets a lovely cross by Liam Polworth in the 87th minute to give us 3 more points. Yaldi!
This puts us into a frantic last week of August where we face Raith in the Challenge Cup and Morton in the league whilst navigating the last few days of the transfer window. I transfer a suite at the Hotel into a cross between the Starship Enterprise and the student house from the Young Ones, sporadically throwing things out the window as bids get rejected. I still want one centre back and a more creative midfielder. And maybe a goalie. The joys of management simulation!
A potentially huge transfer is mooted with a couple of days left, so I set up a video feed of the pitch and leave Lee to take charge of the Raith game. Or at least I plan to until my mega-deal falls through. I make a mental note to destory Ilori’s career at a later date.
So the quarter-final. My team-talk is a little all over the place as I mutter about annexing Portugal and phoning the Portuguese inland revenue on Boavista. Very little of tactical substance is uttered so the players go out as usual, but with the wingers restored to their full attacking glory.
I have mixed emotions about the result as Akpan gets a red and Hallberg is injured and his fitness status immediately drops to 0 — signifying he’s somewhere around a coma. However even with 10 men we dominate the Fifers and really should add to our total. I open the Hallberg medical report with trepidation…phew.
Broken Toe. 2 weeks.
I go back to my room and see my loan bids for Calum O’Dowda, Gabriel Osho and Liam Gordon have all been rejected, and my move for free agent with dubious status Bubacarr Sanneh has been cancelled. However we get a massive boost with the arrival of a Brentford loanee. Welcome Charlie Goode!
Training is buzzing in the run up to our next game against Greenock Morton. They’ve taken 4 points from 4 games and have a squad which is mostly loanees. As matchday comes, I gather the boys at the hotel early doors for breakfast and we watch the lunchtime kickoff before the game. Charlie Goode comes straight in as he is very, very good, with Donnelly dropping to the bench. McKenzie replaces the crocked Hallberg as we search for our 5th win in 5 games.
Morton in their eye-watering white/yellow kit take an undeserving lead in the 18th minute, but we roar back with goals from Akpan and McDonald and Robinson on the stroke of half-time to go in 3–1 up, having had 14 shots on target. Sam Walker then throws one in to make it 3–2 so I hook him for youngster Hemming. We play out the rest of the half in relatively comfort with a couple of chances for Godden and Goode and run out 3–2 winners in the end.
As I sit in my office after the game, I pull up the table and review out start.
It’ll dae.
