Back to the “Foot”-ture. E1
As a long time fan of Football Management games with a laptop dating back to the late middle-ages, seeing the new football manager coming out every year leaves me torn. Do I upgrade my laptop to play it? Or is buying a laptop to spend 14 hours deciding on a data analyst to look at the combined toenail lengths of my wingers a really good use of my time.
However, there is a solution. The wonderful folk at Champman0102.net have diligently created an updated 2021 database to allow me to play up to date data on a game engine that just about makes sense to my feeble little mind.
Therefore, in a change to my usual ODB related antics, its time to dive pretty much into the present (give or take a few months) and see how we go.
2021 was a dark year in my household as my beloved Kilmarnock were relegated. Since the halcyon 2019 season where Stevie Clarke took us to a 3rd placed finish, everything went downhill like a winter Olympic event, culminating in humiliation to Dundee in the relegation play-off last year. I must right this wrong…
Its the 3rd of July and I step through the gates at Rugby Park, the smell of history and astroturf greeting me like an old friend. I wander past the Park Hotel and into the ground, making my way towards the office to review what we have.
Goalkeeper wise, Hemming is a youngster who might develop with a strong wind and some semi-decent coaching. Walker does a very passable impression of a keeper. However I will not be playing Colin Doyle any time soon. Whilst he saved us from play-off embarrassment, he is the first ever goalkeeper to be registered as not having hands. There are times last year where a fucking helium balloon would have been more use. He is a passable coach, so he can rot in the reserves and never grace my sight on a Saturday.
Defensively, all of the centre backs (other than Sanders — who is young) are probably alright. I don’t plan on playing full-backs so Hodson can go, but Naismith is good enough that I can try to deploy him as a winger. Dylan McGowan has a strength rating of one, so I look forward to him training on a windy day in November and blowing away as I try to list him for his eye-watering 250k value but no one (unsurprisingly) is interested.
We do have a fair bit of depth on the right wing. Burke, Armstrong and McKenzie are all very decent. Polworth and McGinn also have decent stats. Blair Alston does not. And as such will be getting sold for anything close to his earth shattering 300k value.
Up front is young (other than Robinson) and full of potential. But this is the Cinch Championship. Youth and good intentions usually ends up in getting a doing by Dumbarton in February. I think we definitely need to look to improve up top. I make a rough shopping list of a DMC, a left winger and a striker and send out the scouts around the UK to do their worst (as they usually do — I’ll do my own searching later).
I plan to play this lovely formation which I had a modicum of success with playing as Burnley on the 2020 update a couple of years ago. It’s relatively straight forward and for the personnel that we have its pretty suitable. While i sit at my desk and pine for the days of Neil Scally and Marc Anthony, I open my search engine for possible targets.
2 ex-Scotland internationals, both free agents, both in positions I need and both interested in joining. Oh Alan Mahood, this is a good day. I quickly send through contract offers with no concern for finance or sense and await answers. One thing I have learnt as a manager is to never look at the finances until the Amazon driver stops bringing the twice-weekly single-malt deliveries. I have 600k to spend, surely that can afford a semi-decent striker.
As it happens, it can’t. Putting inflation on to 3x and with football in the financial state it is in 2021, I might as well be holding 600kg of mince. Buying any kind of useful striker looks off the cards. I may have to go down the loan route. At least we’ve been able to pack off Northern Ireland international Lee Hodson to a small suburb of Rio De Janeiro…don’t forget the factor 50!
I throw in a few more bids for free agents, but I’m more or less thrust straight into a friendly against Livingston of the Premiership. The players file into the dressing room, unsure of what to expect given that I’ve essentially left them to their own devices since I arrived due to a combination of scouting, fatigue and alcohol. I give them a quick intro, tell them how happy I am to have the job and that we will take the club back to where it belongs. A solid response of ‘Aye, gwan then’ precedes the game as we march out at the Spaghettihad for our first game of my glorious tenure.
It’s a decent if uninspiring performance. We leave the pasta-dome on the coach and I settle down to review more targets on my tablet. Longtime Cardiff centre back Matthew Connolly seems interested and would probably be a decent upgrade at centre half. I fire off a contract offer and nap, only waking as the younger members of the squad record a raucous TikTok at the back of the bus. I make a mental note to ban all phones from the bus going forwards…
Wednesday morning my phone is buzzing as I wake from my slumber. We’ve got two coaches and a player ready to join the club. Welcome to the club Ade, Jerome and Hope!
And more news follows that evening in the form of Ikechi Anya and Paul Wilson also accepting offers to join us in the best town in Ayrshire.
I set my coaches to work, trying to eke out any modicum of improvement in the team. There is no doubt that there is pressure to bounce straight back to the top-flight at the first attempt. The major stumbling blocks seem to be scoring goals and my complete lack of tactical nous — or as I like to call it — ‘The Ole Conundrum’.
Big Kev McDonald rejects our contract offer and so does Matthew Connolly…but wee Stevie Lawless doesn’t, making him the latest member of the Rocks Revolution down at Rugby Park. I remind myself to review the squad to see what else we can sell. A striker seems to be eluding us and I’m concerned I’m going to need to splash cash in a very un-Scottish manner to resolve the issue.
A cursory hunt of the far reaches of the world including my usual haunts of the Portuguese B teams, Prem reserve teams and free agents brings up slim pickings. Therefore I resolve to look at the Scottish Pyramid. Queens Park have compiled a relatively decent squad including Peter Grant and Simon Murray, both of whom aren’t terrible. I offer cash for both as Blair Alston moves to Morecambe for 300k leaving me with a rather health 7 figure transfer budget.
It doesn’t take long for Peter Grant to accept. He immediately becomes our first choice defensive midfielder by virtue of having a strength rating that is more than 1. And huge news follows…BIG KEV!!
Engine room sorted, I re-scour the world looking for some more attacking talent. I send out scouts to everywhere in europe praying that we find a Meysam Javan-esque 2k bargain that will score 500 goals for the club and instantly get us promotion. I’m still filtering and fidgeting when Chris Burke pops his lovely face round the door to say “Gaffer, Crewe are here for a game”
Its a better performance which once again ends in a stalemate. Our engine room purrs like many cats, and Ikechi assists and is a constant menace on the left hand side.We still don’t create much — and I resolve to review my tactics again — but it’s a better performance than the one against the 24 Hour Pasta People.
Our next 3 weeks sees us experiment tactically with varying degrees of success. A chastening 1–0 defeat to Bonnyrigg is followed by a 3–2 win against Clyde and a 2–0 win over East Kilbride. Nothing so far is perfect, and our defensive ratings are shocking, but we now at least are creating chances.
We also get some loan reinforcements finally in the shape of Matt Godden from Coventry and Melker Hallberg from Hibs — who are both significant upgrades on the surface from what we have available. We sell Naismith (right back, redundant) and Danny Armstrong (15th choice Right Winger) for tidy sums, meaning we are pretty good financially and much stronger going into our first competitive game against Arbroath in the Cinch Championship (First Division).
We arrive at Rugby Park suited and booted and ready for the game. I immediatley go over to the Arbroath bus and shake hands with Dick Campbell, comfortably the greatest figure in Scottish Football. He immediately calls me “a wee dick” and wanders off to hobnob with the various Killie greats assembled, and I disappear to the changing room to prepare the team. Chris Stokes leads our newly attacking lineup out onto the pitch to roars from the Rugby Park faithful.
It’s a great way to start our season, barring a couple of injuries. We go 2–0 up thanks to Akpan and Hallberg and have a late goal disallowed in the first half. Despite Arbroath pulling one back through Gavin Swankie, Scott Robinson puts us clear with 20 minutes to go and late substitute Calum Hendry grabs the 4th. Stokes and Godden going off injured is less than ideal, and Haunstrup comes on and is fucking hopeless at LCB.
Nonetheless, as I survey Rugby park from the back of the stand with a Bovril, I think it’s safe to say that we are winning the league and that nothing will possibly go wrong.
Will it?
