Blackbird: The Greatest Trailer ever made?
The date? 28th September 2018.
The place? London Raindance Film Festival.
Approximately 200 people troop into a cinema to watch a film. And not just any film, this is the long awaited Spy-Thriller-Drama Blackbird, Directed by, financed by and starring Michael Flatley. And yes, that is the one who spent years using his feet to terrorise millions of onlookers as he flayed himself about as the ‘Lord of the Dance’.
And yet here we are, in 2022, and no reviews or feedback was gained from this screening. In fact, sightings of Blackbird have been so rare that the film has developed something of a cult-like following, a devotion to this piece of art that whilst mired in secrecy, has a reputation akin to ‘The Room’ by Tommy Wiseau. The Festival director of Raindance even denied its existence, claiming that the screening did not take place.
Fast-forward to 2021 and the decimation of COVID ripping apart our wellbeing like wet tissue paper. Out of the darkness comes a beam of light. 2021, the Monaco Streaming Film Festival (Not to be confused with the Monaco Film Festival — which focuses on non-violent films and based on the trailer for this film would not approve of Flatley’s liberal doling out of bloodshed) gave its best actor award to none other than King Flashy Feet himself, the Lord of the Dance. Of this he said:
“I am absolutely over the moon with the best actor award. I wanted to make a modern movie reminiscent of old Hollywood. The classics were always entertaining without being excessively violent or complicated.”
A Classy response from a classy man. But still, the wait went on until July 2022, when upon the world a trailer would be unleashed that would change the world of film as we know it, along with actual release dates! Coming this Friday, Blackbird will be shown in limited cinemas to actual audiences paying money for the privilage of witnessing the Magnum Opus of a man who loves dancing.
Dancing and Spy thrillers.
0:00 — We open on a funeral, set in the lush grounds of one of Flatley’s properties. Its worth noting that the vast majority of filming was done on his properties or the countries they are in, hence the slight juxtaposition of Cork and Barbados sitting side-by-side as locations. Still, James Bond found his way from Mexico to Haiti to Greece to London to the Highlands. Flatley does not compromise. A haunting voice (Which sounds like the narrator from Salvage Hunters) says “Are you ready to confess your sins?” as the rain pours down. I’m moved. I’m weeping. I am all in. As a character (Presumably Flatley) walks down a path away from the country pile and away from a blonde woman at a window, presumably a widow of someone, his voice echoes saying “Not Today — my sins are my own”.
At this point I had to sit next to radiator to try and get rid of the chills running down my spine, which cost me approximately £4,389.
0:13 — DANCELORD PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS flashes onto the screen as strings lifted from a Marvel Movie bargain bucket erupt from the screen. I’m already standing and applauding at this point.
0:17 — We are whisked to nighttime in London where a man in a trenchcoat looks shiftily round as some dark figures follow him along the Thames. The man then gets stuck at some kind of locked gate underground as oneof the figures walks up and pulls out a gun with all the vim and vigour of an extra from Scarface. It may be the largest gun reveal I have ever seen. I don’t know if you can take a pistol out with aplomb but if you can, this guy does it. A shot rings out and we cut to an older man in a phonebox who says “Blake Molyneux, he’s extremely dangerous”. Who is this figure?! Is the shifty man dead? Is this the first recorded use of a red phone box in films since the late 90s?!
0:26 — ERIC ROBERTS KLAXON! He fires a gun with sunglasses perched on the end of his nose towards the camera and then we see his picture in a paper file, next to a lovely 2B (possibly HB) drawing of a gun. In terms of casting, Eric Roberts has been an arms dealer in so many films he has sold more arms than a spare part mannequin wholesaler. In fact at my count Eric Roberts has played an arms dealer in…a lot of films.
**Side note — it is impossible to clarify exactly how often Eric Roberts has played an arms dealer as since this film was made, he has appeared in no fewer than 86 feature films, of which 7 have Wikipedia articles, and 1 music video for Enrique Iglesias ft. Bad Bunny. No one screams ‘I’VE GOT A LARGE TAX BILL’ quite like Eric Roberts filmography. My guess is that he has an incredible collection of Vesuvian pottery or something that he never paid import tax on and every time he pays off his bill another lovely little piece of pottery becomes available and Eric thinks ‘Sod the fucking tax, I need that dish for my Tuscan Villa’.
This is a man who has 697 acting credits on IMDB. Daniel Day-Lewis has 30. If you combined the power of Eric Roberts credits together would they reach the magnitude of DDL? That’s not for me to say. But I think in 200 years we may have an answer other than ‘No’***
Anyway, after we see the paper file, someone hands a USB stick to a car which drives off in a very ‘Spooks if it was made for a tenner’ manner. Quite why the paper file wasn’t sufficient I’ll never know but that may be Irish Intelligence Service policy. I don’t wish to second guess their wisdom as I presume Flatley researched this extensively.
0:30 — “This is our chance. We must get Victor involved” as we head back to voiceover land as a man puts on a white tuxedo and some very sparkly cufflinks (Presumably loaded with grenades or something). Then the paper file is being pushed across a mahogany table towards a figure as someone says “No-One can do what he does”. If the action in question is ‘Reject a digital copy of an intelligence file and ask for a paper copy’ I’m pretty sure that can be done when doing a subject access request with any major data holding outlet(I will admit I don’t know much about Irish Freedom of Information laws so if I’m being flippant here I apologise). So the hyperbole of the voiceover here seems moot. Maybe it’s just me.
0:39: “I’m not the man I used to be” and we see Flatley, in a black tuxedo. Either he got crab roulade on his jacket or this is a different scene. I don’t know. I also agree he probably isn’t the man he used to be as I think his face is somewhere between 30–50% silicone. Still, good for deflecting bullets I guess.
0:42: White tux. Pre-Crab Roulade. he says “The Blackbird is dead!”
Retreat back to radiator.
0:45: More strings swelling as we take in an establishing shot of a beach, before cutting to a beachside bar where Flatley wears a Fedora so jauntily it looks like an emoji added in post-production.
He stares across at the blonde widow, wearing the floppiest of sunhats who appears to be in the same cafe. Based on the short synopsis for the film this must be in the Bahamas where Victor Blackley (Flatley’s character) has retired from the Irish Secret Service to run a nightclub.
0:49: “You’re the only one who can stop this” she says in voiceover as she opens up a briefcase in a hotel room and reveals…one of those things you get at buffet restaurants that buzzes when your table is ready.
Maybe this is the White Tux narrative, where Flatley comes out of retirement to pose as a Maitre D at a seafood restaurant and ensure that Eric Roberts doesn’t get the last Halibut. Its an interesting conceit for a film but I’m so deep into this now I don’t know how to climb back up the chasm and out of it. “You’ve got to come back and fight” says the Widow — who clearly has only a cursory knowledge of the catering industry.
0:54: Grave staring with Jaunty Fedora Alert!
0:55 “When are we going to get past this?” screams a character played by Game of Thrones Ian Beattie in a broad Irish accent. “I’ll never get past this”F Flatley screams back in an accent that is Irish by way of mid-90’s Hollywood.
0:57: A caption proclaiming ‘TRUE LOVE’ fills the screen as Flatley walks along a beach with the widow before diving in for a sizzling kiss with the woman, played by Nicole Evans (who appeared in Currys 2013 Christmas Gift Giveaway Television commercial as ‘Delivery Girl).
1:01: ‘IS WORTH DYING FOR’ reads the next caption. The Lord of the Dance is pulling no punches here. This is gut-wrenching emotion every single fucking frame and I’m ready to kidney kick Eric Roberts in the tits if he messes with those twinkling Flatley toes. As we see a silhouette on a beach we then cut to…Lord Snoke from Star Wars?
At this point I spent approximately 30 minutes down a rabbithole trying to wok out where this fits into the Star Wars canon. I think its possibly between Rogue One and a New Hope but I’m not 100% sure. Either than or they accidently cut Snoke into this film. I shall notify Flatley immediately.
1:06: Flatley walks past Eric Roberts who says “Victor Blackley, I believe you have something of mine” as he smirks his trademark Eric Roberts smirk. If smirking won Oscars, Eric Roberts would have a houseful. The man can smirk like no one else on this earth. Cut to Blackley looking concernedly at the restaurant buzzer whilst sitting on the toilet — Roberts has rumbled him. He wants the halibut. He holds two buzzers up to the light, only they now look like polo mints but in mint condition wrappers (Zing!).
1:10 — Roberts stands on a boat as a henchman throws someone off. I presume the man who got the Halibut. To be fair, I don’t blame him if he doesn’t know about the Irish Intelligence Committee plot to deny him his restaurant chair by bringing Flatley out of retirement to play a Maitre D, which is a skill only he has (This is beginning to make sense now). Curiously, Roberts looks like he should be holding a cigarette, but in place of this he has a champagne flute.
1:14 — “Who I am is none of your concern. And what I do, is out of your control” Flatley says coldly as Eric Roberts does this:
Given that they appear to be sitting at some kind of gambling table, he isn’t inaccurate. Flatley has the cool calm collected nature of a reptile and I doubt that even the meanest Eric Roberts stare could prevent him from a hefty bet on the river. Or asking for another card on 16. Or bringing out Mrs Bun the Bakers Wife. I don’t know what game they are playing but Flatley is making it clear that he has been in a casino before. I can’t say the same of Roberts, who based on this trailer has limited experience in Casino’ and in seafood buffet restaurants.
1:17 — Flatley punches a man. The man in question has spotted the additional restaurant buzzer in his pocket and is clearly annoyed as he and his wife are out for their anniversary but Flatley has said their table is ten minutes away. Doling out violence doesn’t seem a likely answer but this is Barbados, the other Flatley residence and I suspect a spy with massive amounts of Maitre D experience would know how best to deal with this sort of hoodlumry.
1:18: Eric Roberts grabs the Widow BY THE THROAT! He must rumble the scheme. WILL THE HALIBUT BE ROBERTS’?!
1:19: Flatley is now firing a gun on the set of the Hunger Games as somehow the string music gets higher and even more intense. Again, I suspect this was possibly a scene left out of the final cut of Hunger Games and Flatley wanted the world to know his cameo was cut. I’m getting a vague whiff that this may have in fact been a vanity project…
1:22: The music stops. Flatley Voiceover:
“Bless me father, for I have sinned…” as Flatley sits in a confession booth…
“And I’m about to sin again” As a white Tuxedo jacket covered in blood is cradled and wiped by none other than…
FLATLEY!!!
Many have speculated on the nature of this shot, and I think this may be when Flatley visits the famous Bajan fish market in Bridgetown to stop the Halibut suppliers at source. Or load one with a nuke or something.
Either way, I am so fucking in.
Blackbird is distributed by Wildcard Distribution and is in limited cinemas from 2nd September 2022.
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