Back to the Footture E26

The euphoria of our back to back Champions League wins is still all round Rugby Park as we take the rest of the week off until Saturday. That’s because we’ve got the footballing equivalent of a sedative and a shadow on a scan. Yes, it’s back to back fixtures against Motherwell in the League and the League Cup.

I would love to rotate at this point, but we appear to be in the midst of a short term injury crisis with various players picking up annoying 10–14 day niggling injuries and putting our squad under real pressure. I do have the option of recalling Bilal, Enzo or Kenny into the squad but I decide not to. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. First up it’s the League game. With Billy and Paul Nebel injured, we go with what we can go with.

They have an early chance through Hamilton before we take over the game and start to rain shots down on Troost in the Motherwell goal — who bats away every single one. Adding to my woes, Vasilios gets injured on the stroke of half-time leading to another reshuffle. We continue to huff and puff in the second half with Osame and Georgios missing good chances by failing to hit the target from advantageous situations. With just 2 minutes left on the clock, Coniah gathers the ball and rolls it to Ante. He plays it to Simone who takes a touch and curls the ball to Georgios. With his back to goal he feeds it out to the left, where Emile touches it past the defender and crosses at knee height — and Tino Anjorin steams in to volley past Troost and give us all three points!!

We get to go home and see our families and loved ones after the mandatory 48 hour Lanarkshire Quarantine and rectal exam. But it’s only Wednesday and we are back there again, this time playing for a semi-final spot in the Mickey Mouse cup. I move Conor to the right and Billy comes back into the centre of the park.

We play even better than the previous game but once again find Motherwell keeper Tein Troost (which translates to Man of 14 hands in English) in inspired form as he denies Billy, Conor, Georgios and Emile twice in the first half. We continue in this manner into the second as I bring on Tino, and we eventually get the breakthrough after the hour as a shot from Billy is saved, but Georgios steals in to sweep home the rebound. The remaining half an hour is more attempts from us as Motherwell offer fuck all. Meh. It’s a win.

This takes us neatly into the middle of December and our next big test. A trip to Ibrox to face Rangers. They’ve been in flying form and have won their last 6 on the spin in the league. I honestly thought I would have had a bigger advantage in the league but they are right on my coattails annoyingly and Celtic are just about still in touch.

Saturday comes and the bus arrives at Ibrox to a fever-pitch atmosphere. They’re missing Joe Gomez and Adam Idah, but otherwise they go in at full-strength, whereas we are missing Conor, Paul and Vasilios who make up 3/4s of our right wing options. Oliver comes in on the right and Billy drops back into the engine room to roam from deep. Ante is unfit too so there is a rare start for the always-reliable Jacek — and I remind myself that we have a new DM coming in January who might give Ante a kick up the arse. Our final change sees Kerr Smith drop out for Williams Velasquez as he’s been a little overrun of late. Here we go.

An early shot from Emile is deflected wide, and the resulting corner sees Billy rise highest but nod wide under pressure from Oliver Skipp. Billy then gets booked a few minutes later and Rangers get their first chance when a ball down the right comes to Kemar Roofe, who hits a rocket towards the top corner that Coniah tips over the bar. Williams clears the corner and we get on the break. Emile plays the ball to Georgios on the left and he drives towards goal before slipping the ball inside to Emile…who gets bundled over by the defender!!! I scream at the referee…who waves play on…BUT THE LINESMAN IS FLAGGING…PENALTY NOT RANGERS! Jacek goes and grabs the ball and is the coolest man in the stadium as he slots it low into the right hand corner to put us 1–0 up!

Stung by this, Rangers attack from the kick-off but its Jacek with another strong challenge to win the ball. Billy picks it up and we hit the left again with Osame, who toys with his man on the left hand side before curling in a gorgeous cross…WHICH GEORGIOS NODS PAST CAPTAIN NIPSLIP IN GOAL!!! ITS 2–0! Ibrox is stunned into silence as we play some keep ball before the break, and the only incident of note is when Fashion Sakala pulls up chasing a long ball and has to be stretchered off to be replaced by the atomic fucknut Dan James. 2–0 at the break.

Into the second half and we are well on top, with Georgios driving at goal every chance he gets and a header from Osame looking destined for the top corner, only to be thwarted by Areola. Aymen comes on for Emile and Osame moves behind the striker as we look to kill them off with pace. Another shout for a penalty is turned down (obviously — who gets two pens at Ibrox outwith a shootout) and the rest of the game is played without incident. They don’t even muster a shot in the second half. We don’t even need to get out of second gear as the full-time whistle blows and Ibrox erupts in a cacophony of jeers.

Even better news follows as Celtic draw 1–1, meaning that we have a 15 point advantage on them with 18 games left, and the gap to Rangers moves to 7 points with a game in hand in our favour. I’m fucking wonderful and I emphasise this with a raucous singalong of “You’re so Vain” in the Park Hotel Karaoke later that evening.

Down at the bottom, Despite taking 4 points from 21 games Wayne Hennessey gets another vote of confidence from Dave Cormack. I take a look at Hibs star Josh Doig and consider offering him a Bosman deal, only to find that it would cost me £5.5m in compensation to do so. Noooooooope. He signs for Villa instead who operate on a different planet financially to us. They spent £35m on Lukas Nmecha last season for fucks sake.

Contract expiry season is well and truly upon us and our increased reputation sees a couple of very promising stars agree to discuss contract options with us. I table a couple of bids before our next game against Hearts as Ross County sack Lee Clark and bring in Stephen ‘Hit the Emergency’ Glass as they sit bottom of the Championship, 31 points behind surprise leaders Annan Athletic. I don’t have much in the way of rotation options available against Hearts so we stick as is with Billy restored to the centre of the park.

Georgios gets us off to a flyer in the 4th minute when he slips in behind the defence and finishes a lovely through ball from Emile. However Osame then limps off which is a fucking nightmare. Aymen comes on but Hearts take charge — with Coniah making an outstanding save from Jamie Walker. Coming up to half-time we get another couple of sights of goal, but both efforts from Georgios and Aymen are wide which takes us into half-time 1–0 up.

After a brief interval in which John Terry knocks on my door and hands me a wad of notes as someone as scratched my car in the car park (I came on the team bus so I’ve no idea who’s car it is…) we get a little more control and some patient build up sees Emile hit a shot that Davies saves well. Ante comes on for Jacek as Georgios forces another good save out of Davies and despite further chances for Aymen and Simone its nearly Hearts that score before full-time — with Simon Murray putting the ball in the back of the net only to be pinged for being 4 yards offside. Another 3 points.

Bizarrely we then have to play the same opposition at home just 3 days later — and my request to postpone on the grounds that we can’t be bothered is shot down by the corrupt cartel that is the SFA. I get another kick in the teeth as both my Bosman targets renew their current club deals.

Fuck this shit. Lets batter Hearts. Conor and Guus are fit again and Ante returns in place of Jacek.

Chasteningly, we always seem to struggle to break down Hearts and this game is no exception. Guus misses an early chance before Georgios forces Davies into a good save. Williams has a dig from distance before Hearts get a chance and Bowie puts the ball a couple of yards wide. On the stroke of half-time, we give the ball away and Jamie Walker breaks. He gets to the edge of the area and pulls the ball back to Dean Campbell….who shoots just wide. 0–0 at half-time.

After a bollocking, Ante comes out and goes on a one man mission towards goal, beating Ralls before curling an effort that Davies tips wide. Minutes later, Williams decides to roam from deep and gets well into the Hearts half. Just as he seems squeezed for space, he hits a ball into the area where Georgios leaps to meet it and heads it past Davies to give us the lead. We sit back, and Hearts make us pay when Horgan gets loose down the wing and puts in a delivery that Evans taps in to equalise with 20 minutes left as I kick a water bottle at Hearts assistant Graham Jones.

Furious, I throw on Emile and Oliver on the wings and tell them to run at the defence. Hearts sit deep and squeeze us out, and its Georgios that creates a chance with a minute left when he tees up Simone, who stings the palms of Davies. The ball is cleared to halfway where Williams takes it and strides forwards. He looks up 35 yards out and punts the ball into the box…WHERE GEORGIOS MEETS IT WITH A HEADER THAT BURSTS PAST DAVIES!! 2–1!!

After my failures with the Bosmans, I line up a move for another striker that I previously backed out of as I intend to get shot of Enzo as soon as I can. Tino and Bilal have their departures confirmed as well as I try to balance the books, and decide to wager my financial situation on more Champions League success.

Boxing day comes and we have a home game against Dundee United. I move Billy back into the engine room and Conor gets the playmaker role with Oliver on the right. I tell the boys I want them to kick on a bit and give me a better performance.

Which is exactly what they do. Guus gives us the lead in the first half before missing a penalty to double the advantage as we push for a bigger advantage. Conor steps up in the centre of the park and wins the ball and gives it to Georgios in the second half. He drives at the defence, beating Edwards and Hanley on his way into the area and fires his shot past Dawson to double our advantage. We push for a 3rd but with Dawson in inspired form we settle for a much-improved 2–0 win.

I lock up a Bosman for the summer with a very promising central midfielder agreeing to join from our feeder club, Chelsea. Hilarious news then follows as Aberdeen finally sack Wayne Hennessey after a run of 1 win, 6 draws and 33 losses in his year in charge. I fucking piss myself laughing and tell my secretary to send him a hamper of leeks rolled in dogshit.

On New Year’s eve, we make the short trip to Paisley to face 5th placed St Mirren. Far from my predictions that their squad is dogshit, they’ve outperformed all expectations on the back of strong performances from the likes of Conor Grant and Craig Cathcart. Osame and Vasilios are back though and we go into the game at full strength.

The excesses of the festive period are clearly on show as we labour like a drunk labrador. Stuart Dallas has a goal chalked off before Max Thompson gives them the lead in the first half, rendering me near catatonic in the dugout with rage. The players clearly hear my screams and Guus hits the post straight away before Georgios wins a penalty with a roaming run — that Guus knocks home to equalise. After shots from Osame and Vasilios are saved, Georgios gets on the end of a cross from the latter to give us the lead, and then Coniah saves to preserve it with the last action of the first half, tipping a header wide.

Into the second half and we remain a little sloppy, creating chances but conceding them too as Coniah does a good job to keep us in the lead. After a back and forth half, it almost seems inevitible when they equalise with 2 minutes left when Chris Murray fires past Coniah. But never fear! Aymen Sliti gets the ball with time up and drives down the left as St Mirren scramble. He gets down to the byline and hits it low to the front post, where Georgios gets in front of his man and flicks the ball home! 3–2 with the last kick of the ball!!

I wake up the following morning and run straight to the office and get the TV on to look at the business. Moise Kean has gone to Real Madrid from Spurs, Inter have signed Antonio Rudiger, Romelu Lukaku has gone to AC Milan and Man Utd have signed Timothy Castagne. There’s even local business as Rangers splash out £6.75m on Ethan Galbraith and Hibs sign James Lawrence.

But these are the main attractions.

All cost in the region of £6m and all are very solid, first team capable players. I move Ajeti on to Cagliari for £1.9m as well in wake of these moves and suddenly after weeks of famine, our squad is a veritable feast of vibrancy and talent.

Our next game is against Aberdeen after a brief break, and they announce Stuart Murray as the new manager — who has just completed spells of 9 months at Crawley and 8 months at Barnsley. Strong stuff.

Keeping an eye on my CL rivals, Man Utd also sign 32yo Wout Weghorst for £17.5m and Sporting sign Lee Kang-In for £24m from Mallorca. Feyenoord sign Mauro Junior for £16m and Mitchell Bakker for £4.4m. I feel that my business is comparable based on value alone — and I feel pleased that we’ve got things done early. Not that it impacts my summer planning as two more additions are confirmed for nominal compensation.

Aberdeen arrive at Rugby Park on a breezy, freezing afternoon at Rugby Park. I line up with Morten and Perr making their debuts and Armando Broja starting on the bench. I’ve now got a logjam of talent in the centre of the park. Aymen is the unfortunate man to miss out on this occasion.

Aberdeen set up with 3 players with “Mc” prefixes to their names. Well after 25 minutes its fair to say they are absolutely McFucked as goals from Kik, Guus and Billy give us a commanding lead. They do get a goal back through Samuel with a few minutes left in the first half, but it’s so bad that they substitute their keeper in first half stoppage time. 3–1 at the break.

Georgios is having a quieter day — and is still fucking annoyed at me as Juventus circle him. Armando and Paul come come on with 25 minutes to go. McWilliams gives them a lifeline with a second goal, but Guus then puts the game to bed after Armando has a shot saved. Strong.

After much umming and ahhing, I get Enzo out the door as Dundee United offer me some money for him. Jacek soon follows and our books whilst unhealthy aren’t completely red. I get a news update that Liverpool have signed Kieran Tierney for £34.5m to play alongside Andy Robertson in defence and also that Mane and Salah have rejected new contracts…I won’t bid…just yet.

Anyway, almost 3 years to the day since the monster botherers beat us 2–1 at their place, we have to travel up there again. Broja was actually on loan to them so we have significantly weakened them by signing him as replacements Bozenik and Sorga both look hugely inferior. Its almost Benfica-esque weakening a rival shithousery. I stick with an identical squad for the game.

Osame has a drive down the left and wins a corner in the first minute. He steps up and curls it in, and Perr Schuurs meets it with a strong header that bounces down and in for his first goal for the club. We follow this up with a double strike from Guus and Georgios and we’re 3–0 up inside a quarter of an hour. Osame then has an effort chalked off and the long free-kick bounces over Justin in defence and Bozenik knocks it past Coniah…3–1. Its their only shot of the half as we put 9 on target in total but Isaac Robinson in the Caley goal is formidable as all keepers are against us.

I’m getting Deja Vu when Sloga then gets another back for the hosts on 52 minutes — and I bring on Oliver and Kerr Smith to try and solidify — but the Norwegian does the business at the other end as his pinpoint cross is knocked home by Georgios. I decide to go two up top and Armando comes on just after the hour. Inverness score again through Cammy Smith as Coniah is having one of his Edward Swiss-Cheese-Hands afternoons, but Armando then opens his account for the club with a stunning volley from a knock-down by Oli. Not that the game is over as Bozenik then knocks in his second and its 5–4 with 15 minutes left — but this is as close as it gets as Billy misses a free-kick, we have a stonewaller denied and a late corner from ICT is cleared brilliantly by Justin.

4 fucking shots?! Coniah is getting a fucking doing.