Back to the Footture E25

After the euphoria of the Champions League qualification, I might have been a little overzealous in my predictions that we can qualify from Phase 2. Man United, Sporting Lisbon and Feyenoord stand in our way.

Only joking, we can definitely do it. Unlike Celtic who have Milan, Man City and Leipzig in what looks to be a ridiculously difficult draw.

Before kicking off the next phase, we have two games in the league against Inverness and Dundee United to navigate. I jet off for a quick break in the wonderful town of Pula in Croatia, and leave Catts to deal with these games, which he does manfully.

6 points in the bucket. Looking back at the stats for both games, we don’t dominate, but we have a clinical edge this year that we’ve lacked at points in previous seasons and our new arrivals like Nebel and Smith are beginning to bed in and start to be real contributors. I’m in danger of getting good at this.

I stop off in London to watch Spurs and United draw 1–1, and I’m pleasantly encouraged by what I see. United are the same sqaud we faced last year bar a swap of Zaha for Marco Asensio, and are currently sitting 6th in the Premier League — which certainly gives me some food for thought.

I meet the players in a hotel just outside Manchester and we run through our plan. In a nutshell, it’s to kick the living shit out of Bruno, don’t tackle anyone even vaguely near the box after the 3-pen disaster trip to Old Trafford last year and I’ve to try and slip a Beatles song title into every conversation I have with Ole. This job is pure 8 days a week.

The away fans are in good voice in their pocket of the upper echelons of Old Trafford as we warm up. As it’s an away game, I decide to go for Billy in midfield with Oliver coming into the engine room as Guus drops to the bench. It’s a risk, but Georgios (despite being annoyed with me for some inexplicable reason after I clicked the wrong response in a press conference) is in such good form I’m backing him to do the job himself. Forza Killie and down with Fjordland.

United attack from kick-off but Oliver slides in and wins the ball strongly from Asensio, before raking forward a great looking pass that Vasilios on the stretch pokes into the arms of De Gea. Kik gets booked not long after for kicking Bruno beautifully in the groin, and we work like trojans to hassle United at every opportunity. Some good industry from Georgios wins us a corner and Osame swings it in…WHERE ITS MET BY JUSTIN CHE!!! ITS 1–0!!!!

United look rattled and give the ball away from kick-off. Ante plays it to Billy, who drives forwards and slides it out to the right to Vasilios. He turns Philip Max inside out, and beats him on the outside, delivering a wicked cross that Lindelof and Koutsias both fly at and miss….BUT OSAME IS AT THE BACK POST TO SLIDE IT HOME!!! PINCH ME CATTS!!!! 2–0!!!

United up the tempo and Elanga finally gets and effort on goal with a left footed strike that Coniah palms away strongly. We break again and its Simone and Billy linking up, with the former lacing a gorgeous pass inside Philip Max to Vasilios with just the keeper to beat….SAVED BY DE GEA…It should be 3–0! Elanga has another long range effort which flies 5 yards wide, and then a Dybala pass is overrun and we can break through Ante. He comes forwards and tries to slide a ball through Lindelof, who intercepts well but is absolutely clattered by Billy with two-feet…and he gets a red card. Which is perfectly fair but I pretend to be Stevie Wonder and give the officials dogs abuse anyway.

Even without Billy on the pitch, Osame creates a chance which goes wide and Kik brings another great save out of De Gea with a flicked volley from a set piece. United look absolutely lost and another set piece is cleared and chased down by Kerr Smith. He looks up and plays a pass that would make Andrea Pirlo weep pure single malt to Osame at the back post…WHO KNOCKS IT PAST DE GEA!!!! FUCKING COME ON!!!

Right on the stroke of half-time, Elanga gets the ball again and sets off on a mazy run, nutmegging Kik on the turn. He gets past Justin and as Simone comes across he cuts inside him and unleashes a left foot shot that Coniah can’t keep out — 3–1. Still an astonishing half-time score. Billy apologises in the changing rooms but we tell him everything is going to be all right. We’ve got this.

By got this, I mean completely lose the fucking plot, as Elanga and Sancho link up and Kik cleans out Sancho, ball and all in the box. I’m standing to applaud but the fucking referee is getting a second yellow out and pointing at the spot?!?! WHAT THE FUCK?!! I’m sent to the stands for my protests and can’t watch as Bruno puts the ball on the spot…But there is a scream from Catts!!! Coniah saves the penalty!!! The away fans go nuts as Old Trafford groans like a 30 year old couch!

It immediately heads into Alamo territory as Coniah saves from Bruno and then acrobatically tips over an Asensio volley. I withdraw Vasilios and Williams slots into defence with Oliver covering the right in an assymetrical bus parking of the highest order. Another Sancho chance is saved before Simone breaks forward alone and draws a free-kick. Its swung in and the header drops to Ante, who hits a dipping volley….which De Gea somehow claws out the top corner! What a save! The ball breaks and comes forwards to Sancho again, who drives at the defence. He shapes outside but cuts in and hits a dipping effort….PAST CONIAH! ITS 3–2…fuck….

Georgios gets away with 15 minutes left and runs at the already booked Lindelof. He beats him and drives at goal before falling to the ground as the Swede grabs his shoulder…NO PEN! WHAT THE FUCK?! I’m escorted by security to the top tier after I attempt to throw my shoe at the Fourth official after we are denied a stonewaller. This is interminable. Jacek comes on for Oliver as we try anything to waste time. Dybala has an effort which just clears the crossbar with 4 minutes left and Jacek unleashes a leveller of a challenge on Philip Max sending him, the ball and a good chunk of turf into the stands to huge cheers from the away fans. Georgios comes off for Paul as United win a free-kick 35 yards out. Wan Bissaka plays it to Dybala and his cross is headed behind by Justin for a corner on 91 minutes. Sancho takes and MAGUIRE MEETS IT….WIDE, ITS GONE FUCKING WIDE!!!!!!! Coniah’s clearence comes straight back and Jacek takes one for the team in walloping Bruno. Ante does the same in taking out Dybala a minute later and I’m screaming for the full-time whistle as the game enters its 94th minute. Bruno comes forwards and plays a 1–2 with Pogba as Justin throws himself in vain at the Portuguese. He looks up and shoots from the edge of the box as the final grain of sand falls through the hourglass….

ITS WIDE!!! WE’VE DONE IT!!!!!!!

The euphoria of the away fans and the players leads to a night out of which the likes has never been seen since the final days of Rome. As I wake up the next day in my hotel room, upside down in an armchair surrounded by loose kebab meat and 4 bras, I still can’t believe it. It’s incredible.

Moreso, Celtic managed to draw against Man City and Hearts and Rangers both won in the UEFA cup. Is this the Scottishanaissance? Mercifully before I have time to deep dive all the squads and write 2000 words on the inexplicable beauty of Scottish Football, Hibs arrive at Rugby Park. They’ve now appointed Steven Davis as player manager and he shakes my hand firmly in a genuine greeting. I decide to play Ante behind the striker (because I forget to tell Guus he’s starting) and throw a couple of other bodies around to combat tiredness.

Georgios gets an early brace and gives me the middle finger after the second goal (I’m sorry you stupid Greek Fuck!) before Billy adds a gorgeous 3rd on 25 minutes and then curls in a subline free-kick from 25 yards to put us 4–0 up at the break. Emile comes on and has a goal disallowed with 20 minutes to go and we create several more chances, but the scoreline remains 4–0 as the whistle goes and the fans rise to give us the acclaim we deserve.

Aberdeen get scudded 5–1 and Racist Wayne gets the dreaded vote of confidence from the chairman. Rangers beat Celtic 1–0 and Kyogo hands in a transfer request — with Celtic looking for £13.5m for him. It’s very very tempting, but I go stalking an old hunting ground for players first and chuck in a couple of bids.

Next up, for the first time in ages we meet up with the Fusilli Flyers of Livingston. They are in 9th place but are described as industrious in the pre-match scout report I get. I presume the industry that my scouts have been watching is Sloths making intrictate ships in bottles for this description. We go back to full strength after a pre-match fall-out ends up with me transfer listing Enzo after he discovers I bid for another striker. I tell him I withdrew as Georgios is too good — but apparently this isn’t a good enough answer. He’ll be off in January.

Billy gets his 10th of the season and Osame has an effort disallowed before disaster strikes as Billy is stretchered off as the result of an Omoenga roundhouse kick which somehow goes unpunished. Galvanized by this injustice, we throw wave after wave of Blue and White at the Bolognese Bastards and Liam Hughes is sent off for a professional foul — with Guus stepping up to knock home the resulting spot kick.

Georgios adds a 3rd on the stroke of half-time and I give him a well-earned rest 10 minutes into the second half. Paul has another goal chalked off as we continue to attack and the game fizzles out into a 3–0 pasting in favour of the good guys.

Luckily Billy is only out for 10 days and he’s out of our next Champions League game anyway, so I tell him to head off on holiday for a few days. Our next stop is a trip up to golf country to face Callum Davidson’s Albatross and Eagle Club who are caught up in a 1 point stramash between 4th and 7th place. Conor comes in for Billy and takes the skipper’s armband and Tino Anjorin makes the bench for the first time this season.

Georgios scores in the first minute of the game after taking on the entire St Johnstone defence single handedly, and then doubles the lead just after the half hour when Osame puts a cross in his lap like a newborn puppy for him to stroke home. He gives me the finger again but it doesn’t look as spiteful…maybe he’ll forgive me soon. We weather a little pressure in the second half but its positions as opposed to shots. Our backline is coherant and confident and lock down another clean sheet and 3 points for us with a dominant display.

It’s a lovely coasting victory for us which gives us plenty of time to prepare for Feyenoord. As Dutch champions they have a fair degree of Pedigree, but they’re only 5th this season so far. Star man Noa Lang is injured which gives us another boost — and he was their only summer addition to compensate for a number of Bosman departures.

Buoyed by this, we set up in the usual Euro shape with a roaming playmaker in the engine room and Guus sitting behind Georgios, who said “Hello” to me for the first time in two weeks on the morning of the game. Having fallen out with Enzo and with Kenny somewhere in South America looking for “Tea Planatations” to “Invest” in — we have 18 fit, non-banned players. Every fucking year I do this. But it shouldn’t matter. We’ve got more than enough to get the job done in my eyes. Simone gets the armband for the first time, and there is a look of steel in him and Guus Til in particular.

Straight from the kick off we drive forward with some neat passing and Oli gets some space to swing in a cross which is punched off the head of Georgios. Further crosses are dealt with in this Tyson-Esque manner until one reaches the boot of Georgios, whose volley narrowly whistles past the left hand post via a fingertip from the keeper. The corner comes in and another volley from Justin is tipped over! Another one comes in and Williams leaps highest to meet it….just over the bar!

Another shot from Georgios beats the keeper but flies just over the bar, and we get several free-kicks which are dealt with by the flying boxer and his defence. They’ve barely had a kick of the ball, so I’m completely unsurprised when their first attack down the wing ends in a cross from Holmgren which is headed home powerfully by Wriedt. Fuck.

We respond well and Guus has a shot blocked from 10 yards before the keeper makes another ridiculous save from Georgios. It’s all us as the crowd roar us on and eventually after another good save from the keeper, Simone chips in a delicate ball for Guus to rise and head home for the equaliser. Right on half-time, they look to play out from the back but Oliver closes down a loose pass and lays it off to a galloping Vasilios down the right. He looks up and hangs up a ball….FOR GUUS TO MEET WITH A BULLET HEADER!! WE’VE TURNED IT ROUND 2–1!!!

After a brief teamtalk mostly about killing the game off, I discover that their keeper, Justin Biljow is in fact the Dutch keeper and has 30ish caps. So it surprises me less when he saves another thunderous shot from Georgios and then tips a Kerr Smith header round the post in the first 5 minutes of the second half. They makea couple of changes and create another seemingly goalbound chance, but Coniah saves well on this occasion. I see Guus waving over frantically on the hour as he clutches his knee and bring on Aymen Sliti to face his former club, moving Osame in behind the striker as Guus is helped off to a standing ovation.

Suddenly they have the momentum and Reiss Nelson shoots wide before another shot is blocked brilliantly by Williams. Coniah saves well from a Nelson header with 10 minutes left and I bring on Paul and Jacek to waste some time as Wriedt smashes a 25 yarder a couple of yards over the bar. We finally get hold of the ball and create some space, Oliver finding Paul who slides in Aymen on the left side of the area, but his effort careers across goal and wide of the far post. Georgios knocks another effort wide in injury time, and Paul should bury the game but Biljow makes his 8th save of the game as we push for a third, before the referee mercifully finishes a cracker of a game.

And Sporting have beaten Man United.

We couldn’t could we?