Back To The Footture: E23

The summer air in Ayrshire tastes sweeter than it ever has. After 3 record breaking years at Rugby Park we are all set for season 4 with a host of new signings and a steely determination to make a real European push. Also, I bought a new office chair and it’s wonderfully comfy, especially when it comes to pushing people out of the door.

My outgoings have been a trifle frustrating. I’ve had interest which hasn’t really transferred into bids. Some tough decisions were made as injury-prone Lego botherer Mikkel Duelund joins Aberdeen for £1.1m, Dimitri Oberlin goes to Motherwell for £2m and Kostas joins APOEL for a knock down £160k. Three big names that have featured heavily going out might seem strange, but after our previously announced signings were joined by these two, it seemed perfectly rational.

At £5m and £7m respectively, these weren’t cheap deals, but they seemed necessary for the opportunities. Koutsias is a young, potentialy lethal finisher and Kerr Smith is the best young CB in the country. They join up with a young squad, brimming with potential as we start our new season.

Our first 4 games pass without much incident. The first two see us heading into the second half at 0–0 but the bench coming on strong to see us home. We are excellent against Aberdeen with a near 19,000 crowd breaking our League record attendance before we travel up to Loch Ness to hunt down another 3 points. Sliti with 2 goals and 2 assists in 4 games and Sourlis with 3 goals and 4 assists before his red card were the star performers and I congratulate them with special edition bottles of Tennants “Super Killie”. More prescient matters also appear in my mailbox as we get our Group Stage 1 draw for the Champions League…

I mean, it could be worse? I think? I resist temptation to look at the Spurs squad as in theory they are our rivals for second place.

Our first real test of the season sees us welcome Celtic to Rugby Park in late August. They’ve added Danny Ward and Shaun Rooney to their ranks, but otherwise have the same squad that finished second last year. Still remembering the 4–1 defeat last time we played them, I up the ante in training as the game approaches with a near blowup between Kik and Kenny seeming to galvanize the boys to steel themselves.

When the day arrives, Rugby Park is abuzz with fans milling about before the game and a frantically packed away section squeezed into a stand behind the goal. Simone Panada is finally fit again after picking up a pre-season injury and he comes straight back into the side with Villadsen moving out to the right from the engine room — and I opt for the relative experience of Osame ahead of Aymen. We enter the pitch to a massive ovation from the fans and I yell at the boys before kick-off to “Do it for Killie”.

I don’t know why. Thinking back it sounds like complete bullshit.

A quiet opening sees both sides press without chances until a cross from Osame to the back post is met by Villadsen, forcing Siegrist to make a good save. A couple of minutes later we win a corner down the left and Osame’s teasing ball in is met by the towering figure of Williams Velazquez…AND PAST SIEGRIST! 1–0.

A flurry of chances just after sees Celtic bodies block efforts from Guus and Osame and finally Guus again as we look for a second, but the rest of the half passes without much incident save for a couple of piercing runs by Karamoko and Kyogo, one of which ends with a brutal foul by Guus 25 yards out where he tries to remove Kyogo’s tonsils. Karamoko takes the set-piece and curls it…just wide of the left hand post. 1–0 at half-time.

Welsh puts a header wide of Coniah’s goal minutes into the second half, but a strong burst by Osame again gives us space on the left hand side of the penalty area. He dummies to cross and arrows a pull-back onto the right foot of Billy….WHO LASHES IT HIGH PAST SIEGRIST!!! ITS 2–0!

Matters get worse for Celtic when a scything challenge on the hour by Welsh results in a red card. Down to 10 men and 2–0 down, they sit back in their shell and aim for respectability. Justin and Williams should do better with headers and another Koutsias shot is brilliantly tipped wide. Late chances for Emile Smith-Rowe and Paul Nebel are similarly saved well by Siegrist and the game reaches full-time with the same scoreline. Shots fucking fired.

5 from 5. HWFG.

The final week of the transfer window is quiet. I’m pretty happy with the overall depth we have now and we do have a couple of reserves kicking around if we were really stuck. However I get news of another possible signing from our friend in London. I submit a bid and by the end of the window we have another midfielder on board. Welcome to the club, Conor Gallagher.

He gives us a bit more depth and quality, and gives us a real deputy for Billy should we require it. As much as I consider other moves and think I may be one defender light — I decide to stick with the squad and after a quick international break, we get the joys of a trip to Easter Road. They’ve added a 30 year old Norweigan attacking midfielder and a German defender, both of whom look fucking awful. We on the other hand look amazing.

And early doors it looks like an amazing performance is in progress. Billy and Guus both score in the opening 10 minutes as we run Hibs ragged and they look like a bunch of drunk sheep trying to avoid becoming a Sunday roast in Port Talbot. However, they sub their keeper and goals from Calleri and Nisbet tie things up as we reach the hour meaning I have to throw to the bench.

I make 3 changes, but it is our wingers that make all the difference — Osame getting a brace and Vasilis the other as they share 3 assists and we run out 5–2 winners in the Heroinadrome against our 10-man hosts. — who lose Alex Gogic mid-capitulation at the end of the game. Lovely stuff.

Its a great performance, although I am a little concerned with Georgios — who should be tearing it up at this level. We have a quick chat and I give him some slightly different instructions as he isn’t doing enough attacking. Which is exactly what we need against our next opponents — the Mayo and Chip Merceraries of Genk. They (I presume) are the Belgian champions and boast squad riches of…Mark McKenzie, Ike Ugbo and…well its slim pickings for big names. Not that I don’t set my scouts on a couple of them.

They bring a hardy band of 850 away supporters who gather at the ground as the away coach arrives to sing them into the ground. Justin and Paul Nebel are both at the Olympics, and I change the shape slightly back to our more traditional European system. They are drowned out by the home support as we run out onto the pitch — and I can see the players growing an extra 2 inches each…Nope…turns out I just stumbled down the steps into the dugout and landed on Ade.

A fast start sees Billy shoots over in the opening stages and Sourlis attempt a spectacular overhead kick which ends up over the bar. Guus Til drops deeper in the opening stages and gets the ball between the lines. He looks up and threads a ball through to Koutsias, who still has a lot to do. He drives past Arteaga, knocks the ball past Nygren and lashes a left foot shot low past the keeper into the near post!! 1–0 and Rugby Park erupts!!

Georgios has a spring in his step now and another effort shortly after is tipped behind. Osame swings in the cross and he attempts the header but its delfected back out to the corner. Osame picks it up and this time drives a cross deep to the back post…WHERE VASILLIOS MEETS IT WITH A BULLET HEADER!! IT’S 2–0!!!

We are absolutely flying at this point and we continue to press through the opening 45 — Williams goes close with a header and on the stroke a half-time another set piece pings around, but is cleared. It’s an easy half-time teamtalk as the boys can sit in the bowels of the strand and hear the fans singing.

Georgios tees up Osame for a chance which is well saved by the Genk keeper, before Simone Panada gets the ball in midfield and links up with Osame on the left. He dummies past his man and does so many stepovers that the entire Genk bench are treated for motion sickness — before curling in a gorgeous ball for the onrushing captain fantastic — it’s BILLY GILMOUR!!! 3–0!!!

Emile Smith Rowe comes on in place of Guus and nearly scores straight away. Kerr Smith is excellent in defence and repels a couple of Belgian attacks as they look to come back into the game. We sit deep and look to hit on the break with Emile sets up Billy for a volley which is saved and the reinvigorated Georgios could have two more but for great saves by the keeper. By the time the final whistle blows, the stands around us are dancing in celebration. It’s a great start to our campaign.

The celebrations from the win go long into the night as Wolfie has got his family over from Belgium, and they regale us with a night of Belgian music. It’s an odd night but we have to put up 3 marquees outside the hotel just to accomodate demand for Tennants “Super-Killie”.

Our next Champions League tie is in London against Spurs, but before that we have a trip to the Linguini Stadium to play Livingston. Neil Harris has predominantly pilfered new arrivals from other Scottish clubs with Jeando Fuchs, Jason Cummings, Scott Bain and Alex Iacovetti all arriving. Not that I care with this lineup.

I’d be lying if I said we had it all our own way as the first 30 minutes are relatively even, but goals from Georgios and Emile put us 2–0 up at the break and further strikes from the Greek and Enzo give us a really good 4–0 win. Perfect preparation for what is coming.

Or so I thought before I looked at Spurs squad. Its difficult to compare the dangers of Livingston to *clears throat* Amine Gouiri, Tammy Abraham (ho cost £75m!), Moise Kean, Ivan Toney, Max Aarons, Ryan Sessegnon, Mohammed Ali-Cho, Son Heung-Min, Dele Alli, Cade Cowell…Their squad is ridiculous.

And yet, they are 11th in the Premier League…is there a way in here?!

Well we have to do it without Kik Pierie — who is ruled out for a month due to a knee injury. His logical replacement Arrey-Mbi is out on loan at Darmstadt until the next window so I decide to gamble and throw Villadsen onto the right of defence with Smith on the left. We sit back into a deeper shape and look to hit on the counter. I shake Nuno’s hand as my team stroll out to our dugout and look him up and down. I’m not convinced.

Otavio gets away down the right early and puts in a cross that Eric Dier meets with a towering header, only for Coniah to brilliantly claw the ball away for a corner. Tanganga heads the corner in for another save before we eventually clear after a concerted 5 minutes of pressure. In the 10th minute, a long ball from Lo Celso splits the defence and finds Tammy Abraham. He looks up and drives at goal and looks to put it in the far corner. Coniah can only parry it out back into the path of Eric Dier, who slots the ball in. 1–0 Spurs.

We eventually get a foot on the ball and Sourlis and Osame drive forward together before Osame is brought down. Billy saves his worst for this free-kick and pings it about 15 yards over the bar, but its a step in the right direction…not that it matters as the UEFA curse of penalties strikes again when Gouiri is allegedly pushed in the area by Kerr, and he steps up himself to take the spot kick and give them a 2–0 lead that they take into half-time relatively untroubled.

I gamble at half-time and take Kerr off for Guus and lump in in behind Georgios as we go to 2-at-the-back. We struggle to create anything and should be 3–0 down on the hour but Gouiri fluffs his lines from 6 yards out. Guus then gets a chance to run at the defence and his industry sees a sharp exchange with Simone turn into a chance for Billy….JUST OVER THE BAR!

With 15 minutes to go, I go for broke with another double sub and push Billy on. Sliti gets away on the left and plays a gorgeous ball in for Guus, who feathers a touch behind him on the edge of the box to the onrushing Osame…HITS THE BAR!! I scream in agony as we go agonisingly close to turning this into a game. Suddenly its all us as Guus and Sliti have shots blocked by flying Spurs defenders with 10 minutes left. We continue to press and Vasilios goes close, but the game fizzles out for us into a 2–0 defeat.

What makes it slightly more palatable is the fact that Genk have held Bayern to a 0–0 draw, meaning that our flight and bus back is taken up with some frantic early footage examination. Turns out, it was a 14–1 shot alamo for the Germans but the Genk keeper went god mode. Plus UEFA don’t fucking hate them…go figure.

Next up for us its back to the grind of the league with a trip to the Albatross enthusiasts of St Johnstone. Their summer business involved £11m of sales and signing Scott Fox (36 y/o back up keeper) and Mato Jajalo (37 y/o Bosnian cyborg). Justin Che has returned from the Olympics and he slots straight into the defence with Emile in for Guus (injured) and Conor in for Ante (Grumpy fuck). Let’s prepare for Bavarian Oblivion with a win eh?

St Johnstone take the lead in the first half through Beevers and we look fucking abysmal. I hook Emile and Simone and we get an equaliser through Georgios, only to go behind again on the hour. Short of throwing water bottles at the players, I hurl every insult I can think of at them, the officials and the people of Perth as we flub several chances to equalise — but Osame eventually fires home a low shot on 83 minutes to give us a point.

Not that I give them any leeway. I break most of the hospitality suite china throwing it at Ante’s head post-game after he suggests I should calm down. We make up before the Monday morning flight to Germany as he apologises and I tell him he’s fucking right to apologise before storming to the front of the plane and banning his access to the drinks trolley.

Tuesday night at the Allianz Arena is a massive moment for the club. This is a club that won the Champions League in 2023 and by all rights should consider us a small takeaway stand outside the ground of a real club. I play the Rocky IV Montage on a loop in the dressing room and tell the boys to sit deeper than a pig in a 50m shitbath.

Georgios gets an early run on goal which is halted, and Vasillis puts in a good free-kick which is headed clear as Simone runs in. We have another couple of set-pieces cleared and they press but are thwarted until the half-hour mark, when Timo Werner gets a yard of space and slaps a shot at the top corner…SAVED BY CONIAH! From the corner the ball is cleared, but only as far as Sieb who clips a shot back in…OFF THE BAR!! WE ARE SOMEHOW SURVIVING!

Well our luck doesnt hold out as quickfire goals from Sieb and Kimmich in the run up to half-time leave us 2–0 down. I’d criticise or rant and rave but both come from great team moves and I have to applaud them in between profuse swearing.

Jacek gets hooked at half-time and Osame goes up to support Georgios. Finally on the hour we get a shot which is tipped wide by Neuer. Then Billy has a shot saved and suddenly we look like the better side…with time running out we get a corner and Emile’s effort is headed back out. He passes the ball to Justin, who has pulled back and as he shapes to shoots he dummies then sends a pass into Georgios…WHO SLAPS IT PAST NEUER!! IT’S 2–1….I scream at the boys for one last effort but it isn’t to be as Bayern keep ball from kickoff and bully us out of the game. Fuck.

Okay, we might have bitten off more than we can chew.