Back to the Footture: E22
I can look back on our Champions League campaign with a huge amount of pride. The win in Amsterdam, the glorious victories over Besiktas, the Trattoria takeover in Milan. All incredible life-affirming milestones for us.
However, Gerry Cushions disagrees and tells me that he can’t settle in Scotland and wants to leave. I accept his request, put him in the reserves and send him home for two weeks. I don’t need his shite, especially with two players coming in in his position in the summer and Bilal being chaotically fun. He’s booked on a flight out to Luxembourg at the same time as we welcome the Spaghetti Spartans of Livingston — who have been a minor nuisance in our recent history — along the M8 on Saturday afternoon. This dictates a strong lineup being selected and a stern teamtalk over-employing the word ‘Fuck’.
Billy gives us the perfect start with an early strike after a knockdown from Guus. It’s 2–0 with just ten minutes gone when Osame curls in a cross which Williams attacks and heads past Kelly in the Livingston goal. Enzo is next on the scoresheet as he links up with Guus and slides home for 3–0 and with just 18 minutes gone, Osame skips past Kelly and is brought down, leading to a red card for the Livi keeper and Guus making it 4–0. Livingston baton down the hatches like its the Ayrshire Alamo, but Guus gets his second just after the half-hour after good work from Bilal and Kik Pierie nearly makes it 6 with a 35 yard piledriver which narrowly misses the top corner and picks out a steward, who has his glasses shattered.
It’s 5–0 at half-time. And the second half is essentially us playing keepy-uppies in a hammock.
Pastafied.
A couple of us head to the League Cup Final on Sunday to be wined and dined by the sponsors. We see a relatively dull contest between the Old Firm sides, with Celtic coming out on top 2–1 and we exit on 80 minutes before I get accused of supporting/siding with either of the sides.
We get some good news on the Thursday night as Enzo phones me and says he’ll sign a new deal. There is no doubt that domestically he is a terrific striker with 45 goals in 85 appearences so far — and I’m delighted he’s changed his mind. The squad who aren’t on international duty head out on the Friday night to toast him, and we stumble back into the ground for a game of hammered 5-a-side at the ground at 4am as I shove £500 in the night watchman’s hand and slur “keep-eh-change-eh-HIC”
The international break ends and Gerry arrives back in the country, fully fit and raring to go. I decide to ignore him til the end of the season and tell him he can sit his bench cushion down at home. Fuck that guy. I also transfer list Ante Coric as I have another midfielder lined up…who agrees to sign on the dotted line as we roll up to Ibrox. This is a massive game.
I’m pleased to see Callum Wilson on the bench along with Fodo Ballo-Toure, who’ve tended to save their best for us. An early break from Dougall sees a shot from Billy deflected wide, and the corner has Guus rising up to head towards goal…saved by Nipsy Areola. It doesn’t take us long to open the scoring though as a few minutes later Enzo brings down a long ball and finds a sprinting Osame to meet it in stride and score his 10th goal in 16 games.
The Ibrox crowd groan, but they aren’t for long as Borna Barisic gets the equaliser 5 minutes later, meeting a cross at the back post and diverting it past Coniah. Bilal has a couple of runs at the defence with no end product and Guus hammers in a shot which is comically headed over by Goldson, who looks relatively concussed when he gets up. 1–1 at half-time.
An early second half chance falls to Enzo, but he can’t get the right contact to divert his volley on target. But he makes no mistake on the hour, a Bilal cross ending up at the perfect height for him to meet and bulletinto the net, giving us the lead with 30 minutes to play. I bring on Dimitri for the tiring Guus as we look to structure our game around hitting them on the break. It’s A-Team esque as the plan comes together and its the Swiss himself that breaks forwards before slotting home from the edge of the box. 3–1.
Bye-Bye Rangers.
Osame and Justin win the Player and Young player of the month awards respectively as I take home my 5th such award of the season. We have a small presentation on the M8 the following week as we make tracks to the Tortellini Theatre for our Scottish Cup Semi Final against Inverness Caley Thistle. Traditionally we get the better of them, however I refuse to forget them breaking our unbeaten season efforts in the Championship and all the players sit down to watch it on the Thursday evening — which perplexes them as none of the squad from that day remain at the club.
I think the message gets through though and the team pre-match ritual of hi-fiving and dancing around to ‘Cuddly Toy’ by Roachford goes down with some of the greatest pogo-ing seen this side of 70’s punk. I make one change, bringing Ante in for Kenny as we face a side equipped with 39 year old Christophe Berra at centre-back…
We get off to the perfect start as Billy releases Bilal to lay the ball back to an onrushing Williams Velasquez to finish high past Jon Mclaughlin. Coniah makes a good save from McDonald 5 minutes later and bowls the ball out quickly to start a counter. Yet again its Bilal with the key incursion and this time he floats in a cross that Enzo can’t miss. 2–0!
Guus and Osame have chances saved as we try to extend the lead, and after a couple of chances for McDonald early in the second half, Enzo gets onto the end of a flick on by Guus and bulldozes his way into the box to slide past McLaughlin with ease. We’re dominant and near faultless as we wrap up the game 3–0 and progress to the final.
We head back to the home comforts of Rubbery Rugby Park and lie in wait of our next opponent, Hearts. I’ve nearly run out of John Terry jokes but luckily he turns up dressed for a grouse shoot and tells me to name my price to organise an Ayrshire “Running Man” competition. I pocket the cheque and tell him I’ll think about it. Bilal gets a rest as he’s gassed, but otherwise the players are fit and full of buzz.
The Rugby Park faithful are in full voice, and they are rewarded early when Enzo wins a header and flicks it on for Billy. He controls, takes a tocuh towards the edge of the box and rams a shot low across Adam Davies in goal and into the far corner for an early lead. Annoyingly though, as has become our want against Hearts, we sit back and Adam Lallana equalises just 5 minutes later.
It’s a war of attrition for the next half-an-hour as both sides ride a succession of decent buildup matched by strong challenges and well organised defence as Billy drops back deeper. As the half is running out of time, Guus gets the ball on the edge of the box and after a couple of passes laterally, gets the ball back and hits it. The ball deflects into the centre of the box, wrongfooting Davies, and Enzo has an easy job to prod past him.
The game goes back into its violent timeline, with 5 players picking up yellows by the time that Osame misses a good chance just past the hour. Mikkel has to limp off for what seems like the 7th time this season and just minutes later his replacement Bilal trips Godden in the box and fucking Joe Ralls equalises from the spot. I’m fucking furious.
Our previous nemisis Jack Muldoon goes close and Freddie sears is tripped on the edge of the box, leading to a nervy free-kick being hacked away by Justin. Bilal picks up the loose ball and drives forwards, crossing for Enzo to shoot…SAVED BY DAVIES! Godufkcingdammit!!!! Hearts break but Justin stands strong and wins the ball back again and gives it to Billy. He turns and drills a ball down the left for Osame who sprints forwards and slides a ball across the goal and across the keeper…..AND BILAL SLIDES IN AT THE BACK POST TO PUT IT IN!!!! He slides into the advertising hoardings and is mobbed by 50 members of the young team at the front of the stand!!!!! Our record 18,926 crowd goes wild!!!!
This gives us a substantial lead at the top of the table as we hit the split. We get confirmation the Scottish Cup Final is against Rangers, and I feel fit to cry “SFA CONSPIRACY!” when I see that we’ve got bloody Celtic away first up, but I resist. Becuase if we win…we are one win from the title…
The coach up is quiet, and I tell the boys to ditch all the headphones as we hit the outskirts of Glasgow. There’s nothing I can say or do for them. Other than play this…and by the time we reach the stadium we are pumped. Bilal runs of the coach screaming “ADRIAN!!!”.
It’s time.
We start on the front foot with Enzo and Osame both putting early efforts narrowly off target, but Liel Abada gets free in the 6th minute and hangs up a cross which Chris Wood meets and powers past Coniah. I scream at the defence telling them to stand up to him. Billy stands up for the umpteenth time this year and his interplay creates a bit of space for Kenny. He lays it left to Ante, who hits a first time ball over the centre-backs where Guus hits it first time…1–1!!!
It’s a cracking game and Celtic see Wood head wide from 6 yards and Williams then hits the bar from a free-kick stramash. The game settles down a bit and Billy goes close before right on half-time after a succession of corners, a long ball turns us round and Kyogo scampers onto the long pass, draws Coniah and chips over him with the last kick of the half in a complete sucker punch.
A quieter second half comes to life on the hour when Enzo has a shot saved, the follow up saved and Osame slices the third effort wide. I bring on Dimitri to go two up top and Enzo gives him a layoff which he stings into the gloves of Siegrist. I push everyone forwards and Tino gets in at the back post after replacing Bilal, and his header is well saved with 10 minutes left. The resultant corner is cleared and Karamoko breaks with just Coniah to beat and he takes it round him, throwing himself to the ground as Coniah tries to grab it…PENALTY AND RED CARD! FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK.
Well…that wasn’t in the fucking script.
Kyogo got a 4th past Dimitri in injury time and I rub his head as he trudges past wearing a goalkeeper jersey 3 sizes too big. I apologise to the boys, telling them they weren’t ready for Rocky IV. We still need to wrap this up.
Ante Coric is shipped out to Montpellier, confirming a £2m move for the summer and I tell him he can head there now to house hunt and get the fuck out of my sight. I need to focus on the matter at hand. Which is winning our next game at home to Hibs and the magical Jakery tour that is Craig Conway. Coniah is banned so Wolfy comes into the team and so does Simone in place of Kenny as Billy takes the armband.
I fear the worst when we dominate the first half and get sucker punched in the 41st minute when Gogic scores his 1st goal of the season in time honoured Champ-fashion when he heads home a Boyle free-kick. What follows is a barrage of attacks as Enzo shoots wide twice, Pierie then hits the bar and finally with the last action of the half — Justin slides a pass to the byline for Enzo to lift back and Billy leaps highest to nod in an equaliser.
Into the second half, Panada gets the ball from kick-off and plays a one-two with Pierie. He gets space and passes it through for Billy, who beats Sharp to the ball and knocks it goalwards!!! OFFSIDE…FUCK. However, after another attack leads to nothing, Sharp tries to roll the ball out to Gogic and Ante nips in and takes it away, chipping the ball to the open back post where Bilal knocks it home with Sharp stranded!! 2–1.
We press for a killer 3rd as Enzo goes close. From the goal-kick, Sharp scuffs it 30 yards and Tino heads it back. It bounces over Hanlon and Enzo gets free…TO KNOCK IT HOME!!! IT’S 3–1!!! We see the game out with a minimum of fuss, Dimitri having another goal ruled out for offside and Williams getting his marching orders for scything down Liam Smith. 30 seconds before the full-time whistle, there’s a huge roar from the fans…
We are nearly there…
And who better to face next than our old adversary JT and his Hearts team. I would say they’re probably placed around the right place in the table and we’ve only beaten them once in the last 4 games.
I get a couple of reports through in the week about targets past and present. Jaka Bijol, who agreed to join us last January until I pulled the plug is averaging 6.23 in 13 games for Las Palmas, giving me Neo-feelings of bullet dodging. I also get a message saying that another summer target has had a contract offer from Millwall…
Now I cancelled the deal for him because I reckon I’ve got better players coming in. That tells you the state we are in right now.
Saturday comes and we arrive at Tynecastle to be greeted by mobs of fans that have made the journey through. They know as well as we do that if we win and Celtic drop points, the title is ours. The Away section is absolutely bouncing with drummers and flares as the team wander out onto the turf. JT comes over and gives me £5000 for my coat and all is right in the world. Coniah returns and Arlind comes in for the suspended Williams Velasquez. It’s time to raid Edinburgh.
Since January, it’s fair to say that our transfer business has been critical in the progress of the team. This is felt keenly as Osame gets down the left, plays a one-two to get into the box with Guus, and fires home high past Davies in the 5th minute. Guus goes close not long after with a rasping drive that just clears the crossbar. Hearts then come into the game a bit more and nemesis #2647 Jack Muldoon forces Coniah into a scrambling save, but we hit back and Guus and Osame have shots saved by Davies — then bang on half-time Daryl Horgan gets on the end of a cross….SAVED BY CONIAH!! The big man keeps it out and we keep a 1–0 lead into half-time as I pat him on the back as he strides past me.
Enzo gets a bit of a rocket at half-time and straight away looks like someone has pissed in his hair products. He makes a bullocking run but can only shoot wide in the opening stages of the second half. Guus heads over and Coniah makes another good save from Godden as the game begins to open up…AND A MASSIVE ROAR GOES UP FROM THE FANS AS RANGERS HAVE TAKEN THE LEAD AGAINST CELTIC!
Enzo should bury the game with another chance on 65 minutes but slashes it wide. I’m just giving Dimitri instructions to replace him as Catts gives me a shout, Bilal is steaming away down the right and turning Kingsley inside out. He feints to cut in, drives to the byline and hangs up a cross…..AND GUUS IS THERE!!! There is bedlam in the dugout as Ade Akinbiyi and Adam El-Abd chest-bump and nearly take the main stand down with the aftershocks from their seismic collision.
As time ticks away, Kenny and Billy play keep ball in the middle of the park with Osame and Bilal tasked with running the ball to the corners and staying there lest they be two-footed. Godden has a late chance to pull one back but Coniah saves well again and as the full-time whistle blows I look up to my right at the away fans…who all appear to be stood around the same radio….
WE’VE DONE IT!!!!
The pop of Champagne corks, the delerious singing from the train station bars at Haymarket, the “you gotta feel for me” refrain from Cuddly Toy by Roachford being screamed by a coachload of 40 year old taxi drivers wearing faded 1990s Killie tops. All will stay with me as we take over the west end of Edinburgh for a couple of hours, then convoy it back along the M8 to be greeted in a town centre bedecked with Tennants “Super Killie” lager logos and a Biffy Clyro headlined concert…it’s better than anything Renton can ever claim.
This leaves us with foregone conclusions against Rangers and Motherwell to finish the season. I approach these games with no regard for tactics or selections as I can’t be bothered. I’m lying on a beach in southern Cyprus at this point drinking Pina Coladas and leaving Catts and big Adam to it.
They do a good job, bringing on Dimitri to win us the game against the ‘Well and setting us up to dominate Rangers and finish the league season in emphatic fashion. My flight arrives back at Prestwick during the Rangers game, and I hightail it back up the road to get there for the final whistle. Post-game, Billy is presented with the trophy and I run up to get it and lift it up to the fans, before turning round and knocking Neil Doncaster out with it. It’s the right thing to do and no one in the ground will corroborate his version of events if it ever goes to trial. The trophy was simply resting in/on his skull.
At the other end of the table, despite a late season rally Dundee lose 2–1 to Inverness and go down into the Championship — saving Aberdeen who took 7 points from a possible 48 in the second half of the season. I’m a little disppointed to lose…sorry I nearly managed. I’m fucking delighted to see those heroin snuffing, criminal employing, senile home for mental old footballers go down. They’ll be replaced by St Mirren, who held off Ross County to take top spot (with an absolutely honking squad). Further down there are a lot of yo-yoing clubs, but it’s nice to see Edinburgh City get promoted with Tom Glover in goal. Albion Rovers are the unlucky team to drop out the leagues.
That all being done, our season isn’t finished.
Saturday the 25th May is a warm, sunny day. and its Scottish Cup Final day.
We literally just beat Rangers 2–0 at home, so I’m expecting backlash from Steven Gerrard’s merry band of fucking hateful turds. We’re used to all this by now, and the boys stride in through the doors of Hampden like they own the place. I look up at the walls of the pictures of great managers past, and see just outside our door that someone (I presume Catts) has sellotaped a Polaroid of me in a compromising position with two blondes, a bottle of Vodka and a 4 tins of Dulux Matte paint. Well, at least it’ll stand out on the Hampden Tour. We go in unchanged.
The game starts at a million miles an hour — Rangers offering the first threat when a shot from Aribo is saved well by Coniah and the rebound nudged wide by Sakala. We then have two good opportunities for Guus but they are both hit weakly at the nipple man. He rolls the ball out to Toure who hits a long ball over Pierie for Roofe to chase. He gets onto it and hits a rocket from 20 yards that flies past Coniah and into the net, sending 50% of Hampden wild.
We hit back and Billy has a shot saved, Enzo hits wide and Guus has a header saved by Nipsy McGhee, but Rangers strike again on 25 minutes when scourge-of-my-fucking-existence Callum Wilson scores. 2–0 and we are in trouble. I frantically call big Adam over and we converse with a tablet to make things look official, even though he’s playing Spider Solitaire. We win a corner as we wonder in vain what the hell to do…and Billy curls in a pearler which Williams nods home to make it 2–1!! And now I look like a fucking genius.
As the game comes up to half-time, Billy shanks a free-kick wide and Osame forces another save out of Captain NipNips, and with the last action of the half a long crossfield ball finds Enzo on the volley…BUT ITS SAVED!! And the ball breaks loose and Rangers counter — ending in a shot for Roofe…wide. and Half-Time.
Justin is having a torrid time on the right of defence and I bring on Arlind to replace him. I push Billy forwards as well as I tell the boys to level it by the hour. Pierie nearly does just that in spectacular fashion, but his shot from a cleared corner heads just over the bar at pace. Aribo limps off for Rangers and suddenly we are in the ascendency, a series of corners keeping the pressure on until eventually Enzo pulls a ball across the 6 yard line and Osame slides in to put it in the far corner and level things up after 54 minutes! 2–2!
Ante then has a volley saved as Rangers look at sixes & sevens, and I go to the bench again to bring on the cool head of Kenny in place of the lunatic that is Simone. He gets on the ball straight away, releasing Guus down the right to centre or Enzo….JUST WIDE…his header hitting the side nt causing a section of fans to cheer until they notice their error.
With 10 minutes left Billy has a volley saved and I begin to think it’s not going to be my day. He then has another shot saved a minute later, and then sets off on a mazy run in the 81st minute. As some tired challenges fly in either side of him, he dances through the midfield and is met by a strong challenge by Cabango in the area. Osame chases the loose ball down…BUT THE LINESMAN IS FLAGGING!! ITS A PENALTY!!! WHAT IS GOING ON?!?! Guus steps up….3–2!!! We’ve turned it round! With time running out I swap Mikkel out for Bilal to waste some time as Rangers win a late corner. The delivery is good…AND GOLDSON HEADS IT IN. ITS 3–3!
There are players blowing heavily as we start extra-time. I’m already considering what the hell to do for penalties as Rangers keep the ball, before Callum Wilson sucker punches us in the 105th minute with a cool finish. I stick Kik Pierie up top for the second half of Extra-time and resort to long crosses in, which are repelled by the Rangers defence. Eventually in the 118th minute,Osame pings one in and there is a huge leap as Kik gets up…saved again by Frankie Nipples!!! FUCKING FUCK!
I have to be dragged away from Coniah as I try to strangle him with his runners up medal. One day I will win this stupid trophy. I talk to the corpses of the players in the changing rooms and tell the boys to enjoy their summers, Particularly those in the Euros. I’ve got transfer business to seal and seasons to summarise.
I win MOTY, Simone gets POTY and Coniah gets YPOTY as 7 of our team are named to the team of the year. Reviewing our squad, you can see just how key Simone and Osame were from when they came in. Billy was exceptional in the middle of the park and Guus and Enzo netted 51 between them.
Around Europe, Man City beat PSG in the Champions League final thanks to an Extra-Time goal from Gabriel Jesus as they shrugged off the absence of Erling Haaland. Our UCL group stage rivals Ajax reached the UEFA cup final but also lost out in extra-time to Leverkusen.
PSG won in France & Bayern continued their German domination in two straightforward leagues. Italy saw Lazio win the title ahead of the two Milan clubs. Spain had a slightly surprise winner in Sevilla, who won their second title in 3 seasons ahead of Atleti and Barca with Real Madrid in 6th.
Man City win the double as they wrap up the league too, but the biggest shock is the relegation zone as Michael O’Neill takes Arsenal down into the Championship.
But I knew all about this when I was scouting one of my confirmed summer signings…
I resolve to do very little until July 1st so I can make the right decisions this year. Ante’s move to Montpellier is confirmed on 13th June and I send him a picture of a waving frog. And then after saying I would do nothing, I of course ignore all my own advice and get a couple of bids in for players that seem too good to miss out on — granted they are keen to miss out on me as none of the bids progress due to mental wage demands.
Annoyingly, England win the Euros as Scotland go out in the group stages. despite Billy coming on in each game and playing well. This gives me enough entertainment to take me up to July 1st.
And boy is it a beautiful morning.
Its going to be a beautiful year.
