Back to the Footture: E14

12 min readDec 10, 2021

I wake up on Wednesday morning to the sweet sound of birdsong. I quickly shut the fucking windows and play “Sound of Silence” for the 3000th time in the past few days. Fuck Aberdeen, Fuck Stephen Glass and don’t fuck Sheep, that’s all I have to say on the matter.

Nevertheless, we’re now reaching the business end of the season and it is time for maximum concentration. I redouble my efforts in training at motivating the boys, giving them a couple of days off before working on defensive shape. Mikkel should be fit for our next game which is a welcome boost as our Scotty’s have both gone off the boil like a pot fired out the window at those fucking birds. Which I definitely didn’t do.

We’ve got a visit from the Dundee federated care home next, much to my delight. I set up the away dressing room with a sit down shower, Zimmer frames and many many boiled sweets. I can hear Alan Stubbs on the phone to the FA when he arrives, complaining that apparently this isn’t fair and proper — which seems odd given he has 43 y/o Jose Fonte being pushed in on a bathchair. Mikkel Dueland slipped on a loose packet of kippers so he still isn’t fit, meaning a first bench appearance for promising Gurpaz.

A dreadful first half is nearly saved by a spectacular volley from Lewis, but its saved. Otherwise I spend most of the first half making age jokes about the Dundee side. I bring on Rodney and Goktan at half-time and Scotty nearly opens the scoring with a curling effort that clips the bar on the hour.

There’s a lot of endeavour but Dundee are defending so deep that we’re getting complaints from a local graveyard about sinkholes opening up. I go two up top for the last 20 and get the wingers to hug the touchline. Immediately, Charly switches to the right and gets to the byline swinging in a cross for Goktan to hit straight at the keeper, but the rebound drops to him to smash home! 1–0! In spite of our recent troubles at holding a lead, I keep the side high up the park and Ante and Malaly have late efforts saved. 11 shots to 1 — a dominant win.

Rangers absolutely destroy Celtic 4–1 in the Old Firm Derby on the Sunday, lining the way for their likely title coronation around Game 35. We’re 7 points behind and with our current record against the Old Firm looking like a head-to-head between Mohammed Ali and a 110lb youtuber full of ketamine, I think we’re out of it. However, we do still have the cups to consider…

First up, it’s the Scottish Cup Quarter Final against the rollocking, all-action management style of Jack “Commando” Ross, the most exciting man in the world. We’ve got home advantage, and the night before the game we have a quiz night in the hotel — while Jack Ross gets his slides out to run Hibs through the different type of Igneous rock formations he has come across. The man has no limits!

Kenny has a slight knock, and I am not risking him ahead of our next game, and our spine moves to the rather exotic sounding Goktan and Mikkel, who I hope can give Enzo some much needed service. Jonathan Calleri returns for the visitors, after apparently getting treatment for his shoulder injury in a place called “Legs” in the little Buenos Aries district in Irthlingborough of all places…

7 minutes in, the stadium erupts as Enzo opens the scoring — only to collapse in a cacophony of abuse and groans as we have a goal chalked off for the 14th time this season for an imaginary offside. Enzo even manages to get booked for kicking the ball away and calling the ref a “fud”.We get a life 5 minutes later though as Calleri blazes over from two yards out, which is extremely fucking funny. Martin Boyle cuts us to ribbons as Hibs look to put us on the rack and Glover makes another good save. He bowls the ball out to Goktan, who hits a long raking ball into Enzo. He takes the ball down the left, cuts inside and lays the ball off into the path of Mikkel…..GOAL KILMARNOCK!

We don’t really deserve it, and Enzo should make it two a minute later but his header is saved and Kosta signals to the bench he needs to come off. Jay comes on in his place, and he gets the ball from a cleared corner. He looks up and fires it out wide to Scotty who bends the ball to the back post where Enzo dives in….2–0! START THE FUCKING CAR! It’s a stunning scoreline at half-time and we are firmly in charge.

I remove Goktan at the break who looks a little in awe of the occasion, and Lewis comes on with instructions to sit in the middle of the park. He closes down Magennis and gives the ball back to Ante, who hits a glorious Eremenko-esque pass on a sixpence to Enzo, who finishes with Aplomb to give us a 3–0 lead. I run down the touchline to celebrate with the players and run back up high-fiving the fans. We sit in and create further chances with Enzo hitting the post and Dujon failing to close out a 4 on 2, and the game plays through to an excellent, stunning 3–0 win.

I shake Jack Ross’ hand and tell him I’ll see him next week, as the next game sees us going for silverware in the League Cup Final. I get gutting news when Kostas is ruled out for 3 weeks after a scan shows a small tear. He’s gutted, but he’s down at the training ground before everyone else on the Monday and helps out wherever he can in training.

The better news we get is that inexplicably, League 2 Annan have reached the semi-final of the Scottish Cup, and we’ve drawn them whilst the other tie sees Rangers host Hearts. It should be two finals for us.

Training is tense in the week as the boys look ahead to a cup final. We take a night out to rewatch DVT day and have a few beers on the outskirts of Glasgow in the hotel we’ve been put up in. The night before the game, I surprise the players in the function suite with a dinner for all of their families and some ex-players. Seeing Enzo comparing notes with Kris Boyd while Stevie Naismith and Charly Musonda compare TikTok profiles warms my heart. We walk out of the suite at 22:30 sharp and head to bed, warmly applauded by all attendees. I can’t sleep and end up joining Ray Montgomerie for a 02:30 espresso in the bar, who talks me through the 1996–97 Scottish cup win over Falkirk.

Gameday comes, and after 3 hours of sleep we get to Hampden and walk aroud the pitch before the turnstiles open. It’s eerily quiet, and we gather in a penalty area for a quick chat before going in and getting ready. Ante has been struggling, mostly because he’s been carrying us for months. I’m aware that none of our midfield solutions have provided much consistency of late, so I gamble on pairing Rodney and Kenny in the engine room with Ante in midfield. Who would want a cup final without a hitherto untried change…

We get an early warning when Calleri shoots wide, and then Newell crosses for Magennis who hits it straight at Glover. We barely touch the ball in the first 20 minutes and Catts and I bellow at the players to tell them to get-the-fuck going. We string together a couple of passes on their left hand side and the ball is laid back to Kenny. He looks up and pings a diagonal to the back post, where Scotty sprints in and outjumps the backpeddling Chris Cadden. His header loops up and across the goal…AND INTO THE FAR CORNER!!! IT’S 1–0!!

I’m absolutely buzzing and the players start to look a bit more relaxed. Jay plays a loose pass forwards and Magennis intercepts and feeds it to Newell. He drives down the wing and crosses to James Scott, who hits a sweet volley that Glover can’t reach…and it hits the back of the net. 1–1. Catts is furious and gives Jay an earful as he comes over to the touchline as they square up to each other. I separate them and tell Jay to sort it out, which he does with a thundering challenge to dispossess Calleri from kick-off. The ball breaks to Ante, who releases Scotty down the right. He advances and delivers a perfect ball into the 6 yard box where Mikkel meets it with a solid header…YES! 2–1!

I scream at the boys to focus, and for once they listen to me. Enzo suddenly looks dangerous and hits a snapshot wide then wins a free-kick on the left. Scotty hits it into the box where Ante cushions a header back to Jay to meet on the half-volley….3–1!! HE’S ABSOLUTELY PINGED IT INTO THE FAR CORNER!!!!!

The half-time teamtalk is simple. Don’t fuck up. Keep it simple dickheads. I tell Ante I need 15 more minutes from him and keep things the same. The 20,000 Killie fans are singing as we re-enter the pitch and I give them a wave. We get to just beyond the hour trouble free, so I withdraw the shattered Ante for Melker. He gets the ball a few minutes later and drives at the defence, playing a one-two with Scotty before sliding in a ball for Enzo to glide onto and chip over the goalkeeper with the deft touch of a Michelin pastry chef. 4–1!

Hibs fans head for the exits as a never-ending chorus of “Paper Roses” starts in the 80th minute. Its still going 30 minutes later as Tom Glover ascends the Hampden steps and lifts the League Cup Trophy!

The pubs in Kilmarnock don’t shut until 01:00 on the Tuesday morning as we drink and party like it’s the year 2000. I have to stop Scotty and the Scottish contingent jumping on a plane to Benidorm on the Tuesday when remind him that we still have 2 months of the season left, Daniel Sinani has left his car somewhere on the periphery of Glasgow and can’t remember where, and I get a phonecall on Wednesday from a mysterious man who claims to have photos of Rodney filling the trophy with vodka and kebab meat of dubious origin. Our next game against the Taglitelle Titans of Livingston promises to go well. I pick anyone who can stand and grab 40 winks in the first half.

After a slightly iffy few weeks of nervy looking football, the boys go out onto the hallowed rubber turf of Rugby Park and play some of the greatest stuff this side of the Eremenko era. Ante absolutely flourishes in the playmaker role and bags a brace, with further strikes from Enzo, Robbo and Aapo giving us a sensational 5–0 win. We even play the last 15 minutes with Ajeti in goal as Tom Glover limps off.

We get the international break to recover fully and Daniel’s car is eventually found abandoned on the Gourock to Dunoon ferry, filled with Toblerone wrappers and a lovely pair of 90s brogues. I make a couple of tentative transfer enquiries, getting knocked back by a couple of prospective free-agents. However a message from Mikkel and an exchange with Daniel gives me a sniff at a very good looking player, a bid and a contract are submitted and we confirm the deal for July 1st. It’s a very very good deal.

We’re only two games from the split, and our penultimate game is against Rangers at Ibrox. It’s a thoroughly daunting task and one that I feel absolutely no hope for whatsoever.I keep things relaxed in the lead-up, and pick our strongest side. It’s as much as I can do.

They start on the front foot and a free-kick from Tavernier goes wide. Jack Clarke then flashes a shot across the face of goal and I fear the worst for this game. That is until a roaming glide from Ante into the box is halted by a Helander foul…AND WE ACTUALLY GET A PENALTY FOR ONCE IN OUR MISERABLE LIVES! Mikkel steps up…and it’s 1–0!

Unfortunately, at this stage it turns into the Truman Show, as a key man gets injured (Scotty getting flattened by Callum Wilson) and then we concede just before half-time when Wilson scores as he is contracturally mandated to do on every Football Management game released since 2016. They score 5 minutes into the second half after we miss a gilt edged chance and the game is played out with huffing and puffing, punctuated by a couple of good chances missed and another stonewall penalty not being given. I’m assuming because awarding 2 pens against Rangers at Ibrox would unlock the mysteries of the Necronomicon and summon the Dark Lord Cthulu to Govan.

Or something like that. I got quite drunk after we lost.

Game. Set. Match. Mr Gerrard.

I’m not even angry. I’m so utterly convinced that there is an SFA conspiracy against us that I can’t be angry. Also, as I keep having to remind myself, this is our first campaign back in the top-flight and even being this close to second at this stage of the season is absolute lunacy. We need to focus on the positives, and take aim for the Scottish Cup.

We get a lovely trip to Firhill, where we are greeted by Annan boss Peter Murphy. We shake hands and I spend 15 minutes talking to him, he seems like a delightful guy. Unlike pretty much everyone I’ve met in the first 14 episodes of this stupid series. We go attacking and I tell the boys to get it done.

We get two in the first half from Charly and Enzo, but Tom Glover makes a couple of excellent saves from ex-Killie youth Innes Cameron. They continue to impress in the second half but meet an inspired Tom Glover in our goal — and we counter on the hour and score through Malaly.

We’re in the final…and look who we get to play!

And even better, because its Easter Monday, we get to play them straight away in a dry run.

Truth be told its not a great game. We create more but their defence plays well. It takes until the 82nd minute for Mikkel to get in between the lines and pick up a pass from Ante that he bends round Popescu and into the far corner. Not that I care as I present John Terry with an age 4–5 Hearts kit and a giant novelty cheque for £52.50. Just becuase.