Back to the Foot-ture: E9
30th July. It’s 20 degrees and the sun is splitting the sky. I get off the team coach and get a whiff of a smoked sausage supper, cans of Dragonsoop and electronic tags.
Dundee. City of Culture.
Its the first day of the season and we are deep in the heart of methadone country to play Dundee United in our first game of the season. As documented in the last episode, we had made 6 signings for our return to the top flight, but my word have we added to that. Declan Gallagher has immense pedigree but is banned from going anywhere near golf clubs. Jay-Rich is a player I’ve never heard of but was keen to join after his release from Crystal Palace. Malaly Dembele was found by my scouts, and given the Scottish record of other Dembeles’ it made sense to give him a go. Charly Musonda wasn’t keen, but after agreeing to join on trial he suddenly became reasonable — especially after he saw the local Asda. Liam Kelly is as good a backup keeper as we’ll get for spit-all.
After my glowing oratory I receive a very nice phonecall from the Dundee Tourist Board pre-game offering me a job, but I respectfully decline. I hang up and send our heroes out. It’s time to show them what we are made of.
As the game starts, we take control of possession straight away. With Fraser and Musonda opposite footed we get them cutting in off the flanks as opposed to flinging crosses in. Its actually Scott Robinson pouncing on a loose pass from United in the 8th minute and driving down the right who gets an early cross in — and Musonda steams in at the back post — 1–0!!!!
And ten minutes later its two! Glover makes a smart save and gets up to unleash a howitzer of a punt downfield which the defender misjudges and lets bounce into the path of Tony Watt. With an open run on goal, he outpaces the defence and shoots — blocked by the keeper…but straight back into his path! he takes a touch round Siegrist and slots home.
We continue to create chances and perhaps should have a bigger advantage at half-time but I am delighted with the performance. On the hour, I bring on Melker and George who have been champing at the bit to get on. George gets into the action and fizzes an excellent pass out to Scotty Fraser. He draws his man, before chipping ahead to Melker, who takes the ball in stride and fires the ball in from the edge of the box…3–0!!
It’s a stunning, stunning return.
The bus ride home is as good as it’s ever been. Scotty Fraser gets a guitar out and we sing the whole ride home, with Kenny Dougall’s version of ‘Down Under’ getting a particularly good reception. We get back to the ground and go to the hotel for a few pints — which actually goes well for a change. No arrests, no criminal damage and only 2 players unfit to go home. I knew this unit was special.
I continue my pillaging of the transfer market and try out the Musonda tactic on others. I have trialists pouring through the doors that reduce their wage demands by 90% as soon as the step onto the hallowed rubber turf of Rugby Park. Its remarkable! We have 5 of them sitting in the stands for our next game, a mouthwatering clash against Celtic. I consider the tactics but decide to go nearly, even leaving the wingers high up the park. We’re at home, we’re in form. Why should we give them any quarter?! Robbo moving up front with George and Melker coming in are the only changes we make.
Hubris is a funny thing. You can look at yourself in the mirror and think you are the fucking man. However if you are wearing a ruffled shirt, platform clogs and assless chaps, you can be as full of hubris as you want, you’re ultimately a fucking idiot.
These are my thoughts at half-time as I contemplate being 3–0 down with 10 men after Jay is sent off. Kyogo gets a brace and star signing Chris Wood gets the other. We are fucking dogshit. I think. I stopped watching after the second. I tell the players I hate them and send them back out.
We actually have the better of the second half and Scotty Fraser pulls a goal back not long after half-time with a cross that bounces in. That’s as good as it gets though as they kill the game and run out deserved 3–1 winners.
On reflection, with 11 men that might have been interesting, but we played much better after dropping the wingers back. I make a mental note of this and turn my attention back to my trialists. My potentially star signing has asked for a lot of money and is still injured for a month, but he’s agreed to a deal. Welcome to Killie - Ante Palaversa!
Its a proper rockstar signing as far as I’m concerned. Released by Man City in the summer, he comes with an immense amount of talent and age on his side. With that confirmation I withdraw from a similar deal with Rodney Kongolo and focus attention on one final piece of the jigsaw. A striker.
Before that, we have a trip to McDiarmid Park to consider. St Johnstone won their only game of the season so far and are a pretty decent opponent — their squad oozes 7/10 from every pore. I decide to withdraw the wingers and give Malaly a debut up front, with Robbo dropping in behind.
The funny thing about hubris is sometimes I am a fucking genius. Scotty Fraser gets the opener in the 15th minute and Charly follows up in the 20th and we are 2–0 up and coasting. Despite big names signings such as Ryan Thomas and Jamie Mcgrath — St Johnstone offer little in attack and we reach half-time comfortably.
Annoyingly, we miss a couple of opportunities through Dembele and they then score through Islam Batran and Mark Beevers then equalises with 10 minutes left like the complete and utter bastard he is. I shift Robbo up top but he can’t inspire a winner and we drop two points.
Luckily for me, Rodney Kongolo doesnt listen to his voicemails, so o pretend everything is fine and I get that over the line early in the week to allow me to sell Liam Donnelly and free up funds for a striker. I’ve got my sights on a target who wants £1m to sign on, so after moving money around like an Isle of Man tax corporation we finally get an agreement. Enzo Crivelli — our new number 9.
Next stop is Arbroath in the League Cup. Sadly, Dick Campbell has retired meaning that Andy Myers has left his cushy job with Chelsea U23s and moved to the north east coast. Crivelli makes his debut as we stay strong to try and get some form together.
Much better.
Robbo gets a goal and sets up 3 of the others — and Scotty and Charly swap flanks in the second half and cause chaos. We leave Gayfield with a spring in our step and step up training for the next game — a very winnable clash against “Not a Racist, Honest” Malky Mackay and his Ross County side.
Saturday morning, I get to the ground early and review my notes from the week. I pushed the wingers back up for Arbroath and feellike I should stick with it today. Personnel wise, Big Kev is back as is Peter Grant — and I debate the team selection over 3 coffees, 4 cigarettes and a selection of Danish pastries. I’m basically an arthouse director. Turtleneck on, I get the boys ready and head out. This could be a beautiful day.
It’s a pretty dour affair for the 16,000 fans packed in. Crivelli limps off after 38 minutes and late chances from Dougall and Musonda can’t beat the keeper. I push the boys and tell them I need more in the second half. A lot more. I swap Charly and Scotty and see if the switch causes trouble.
It nearly does straight away, but Robbo’s goal is chalked off for a dubious offside. Ben Foster in the Ross County goal keeps us at bay and Aaron Lennon has a shot which Glover deals with well. A long ball forwards runs into the path of Dembele, who dummies and takes on his man. He gets to the edge of the box and flicks a short pass wide to Fraser, who cuts back and…GOAL! SCOTTY FRASER YET AGAIN!!
No sooner have we celebrated, Charly is on a mazy run through and gets taken out by Foster. He’s given a red and Robbo scores from the sport. Its a procession from there as we create chance after chance, with only Ethan Laidlaw and some lazy finishing preventing us from adding to our lead. It finishes 2–0 — a strong strong win.
I go to shake Malky’s hand, then pull my hand away and boot him in the balls. I get a 3 match ban and a fine for public disorder but its fucking worth it. And the 3 points is a bonus.
I stand pat in the market as I’ve already turned over about 60% of the squad. I was pleased to see old gelling with new in the last game with Big Kev and Kenny pairing up well and Robbo getting a goal. Enzo is only out for a week so he boards the bus for Edinburgh, but with the expectation of the bench given the risk and Malaly’s outstanding efforts off the bench last week.
Easter Road isn’t a happy place at the moment. After the high’s of the Scottish Cup win, Jack Ross’ men haven’t won in 4 games and the pressure is beginning to pile onto him. We have a chat pre-game and I listen as he talks about his pressing theories and the type of football he wants to play. Or at least I think he does.I zone out as it’s incredibly fucking boring and consider the meaning of existance. We make some changes and I’m comatose at the start of the game.
In the 8th minute, Jay gets into a tangle with Kevin Nisbet — who gets up and shoves him into the stands, knocking a large Sprite out the hands of a pensioner. Referee Mayorga has no option that to give him a red and we’re suddenly all over them. Jack Ross gets the shotgun out after 34 minutes and hands it to skipper Paul Hanlon. He shoots himself in the foot and gets a second booking, leaving Hibs with 9 as Jack Ross contemplates how fucking boring he is. I push the boys forwards and with the last kick of the first half, Scotty runs onto a loose ball after Dembele is blocked by Porteous and hits a sumptuous strike from 20 yards into the top corner.
The second half follows the age old pattern of us attacking, Matt Macey saving and Josh Doig beating 7 men before having an effort blocked. This happens 3 times in the second half — along with a host of other chances we miss — but we get a vital 1–0 win and 3 points on the road. Yaldi!
We hit the cowgate in Edinburgh and drink to the wee hours. The Hibs players are apparently up on George St but I drag the squad to Opium and treat the squad to Bucky Bombs and 4 singalongs to Down with the Sickness by Distrubed.
As returns go,I’m pleased to report this is very much Oscar nominated Stallone in Creed as opposed to Stallone in Rambo 7: Rambo gets very fucking racist about Mexicans.
