Back to the Foot-ture: E8

13 min readNov 19, 2021

It still stings.

I spend most of my week holed up in my office re-watching the Livingston defeat. I’m absolutely furious that we blew such a winnable game in such a bizarre fashion. I mount a picture of Sam Walker on the wall next to the TV and turn it into a dartboard, breaking 3 TVs in the process as I’m also hammered for about 60 hours straight. Eventually on the Thursday, Catts comes in and throws a bucket of water over my filthy corpse and tells me Partick are turning up in two days and we are potentially 2 wins from the title.

Its Go Time.

I’m still fucking miserable but I get the bigger picture. Our napalm is on ice as we are all but there when it comes to securing a return to the top flight, which was our aim all along. As Partick arrive, armed with artisanal chutney and fans wearing bunnets — I decide I’m dropping Walker for the ever-patient Hemming and pushing the wingers up the pitch. I want this done swiftly and in as destructive a manner possible.

When I wanted destruction, I did get it in a way in that the stats read 12 shots to 4. However courtesy of a horrible Hemming mistake and more profligate finishing, we only take a point in a game we should have won. My mood continues to darken.

Results in other games mean we are still 2 wins from the title and a party the like of which Kilmarnock hasn’t seen since Dieter Von Tornhout day. I review my transfer dealings for the summer and cancel a Bosman move for Fred Onyedinma as I think I can do better. He immediately accepts a bid from Newport which confirms my suspicions that I’ve dodged a bullet.

It’s Dunfermline next as we take the trip to East End Park. Despite their relative strength, they are sitting bottom of the table in all sorts of relegation trouble 10 points from safety. My scouts suggest they are going to park the bus, so I stick with the wingers pushed up and adjust my midfield. Their beleagured manager Paul Ince shakes my hand as we arrive and asks if I know the way out of Fife. I tell him to go to the bridge and swim across to avoid detection by the Fife ‘The Prisoner’ style border patrol. He looks at me and shakes his head — but I overhear him on the phone to his wife asking to look into buying an inflatable dinghy.

We are given a lovely bonus when Graham ‘Mad-Dug’ Dorrans gets sent off for a Billy Bremner era challenge on Melker. Two goals in two minutes from Big Kev and Ikechi give us a solid half-time lead, and second half goals from the Scotty’s give us a fantastic 4–0 win. Dunfermline don’t even register a shot and dangerman Kai Kennedy registers 10 tackles and nothing else. I wave Incey goodbye and leave a pair of armbands in his dugout as I see a single tear fall from his eye as he sits slumped an hour after the game has ended.

This sets up a title party/decider/not much jeopardy but i’m going to use poetic license to make it sound like its Rocky IV game against the Highland Horrors of ICT. After they broke our unbeaten season run in January, I am eager to set the record straight and make the entire squad, backroom staff and groundstaff watch the Manny Duku winner on a loop for an hour on Wednesday afternoon. I do then treat them to a slap up Italian meal as we book out the whole place and Big Kev does his novelty pepper grinder juggling routine with great aplomb.

I’m still marvelling at how he got the Parmesan to travel in such a perfect parabola by the time that Billy Dodds pulls up at the ground. We exchange pleasantries but as soon as his back is turned I get Euan Murray to let the air out his tires and we go into the changing room laughing. By 15:00, Billy’s tires are flat and we are anything but. Time to be heroes boys…

Its a cagey start and ICT create a couple of openings through Billy McKay that Zach Hemming deals well with. We probe and probe until the 24th minute Big Kev gets the ball 40 yards out from goal. He looks up and slides a pass through the defence to the onrushing Robinson…..GOAL!!!! 1–0 TO THE KILLIE. Just 4 minutes later Ikechi gets away down the left and puts a low cross in which deflects off the first man into the path of Tony Watt who hits it first time and doubles our advantage! 2–0 at half-time, with the only downside Ikechi limping off on the whistle.

2 minutes into the second half though and it is game on as we sit off McAlear who shoots low past Hemming. It’s all Inverness as we look nervous and Manny Duku puts a good chance wide. I bring on Stevie Lawless and move Robbo up top and stack the midfield a little more, hoping to catch them as they flood forward. We catch a break with 4 minutes left as Byers gets away in midfield and has a two on two until McDonald scythes him down and gets a red. From the resulting free kick we get a corner,and this is cleared as far as Byers. He looks up and launches a ball to the back post where Charlie Goode watches it drop over his shoulder…AND CRASHES A VOLLEY HOME!!! ITS 3–1!!! KILLIE HAVE WON THE CINCH!!!!

We take over the adjacent hotel for the night and a chorus of Paper Roses goes on for what seems like 4 hours. The Tennants lager van that’s turned up with extra supplies gets ransacked and there’s a young team outside spraying kegs with the Kilmarnock logo. I manage to get Robbo and Charlie Goode to wheel one into my office as a memento, and the following morning I check ebay to find at least 6 ‘Kilmarnock commemorative Tennants kegs’ for sale for anywhere between £350 and £2000. What a place. What a people.

The next few games go by in a blur as training generally breaks down by Thursday and Friday’s are spent down at a pool hall, as we play tournament after tournament for increasingly stupid amounts of money. Zach Hemming announces that he’s got a permanent move to Accrington once his loan spell is up and I congratulate him before taking his signing-on fee off him via a black ball doubled off the cushion to the right middle.

We pile up wins against Morton, QOTS, Hamilton (Yeah — Fuck off!) and Raith before our climactic game of the season against Ayr at Rugby Park. The main issue of note is the fact that Sam Walker decides to chop his own arms off — or at least that’s what it seems like as he fucks up on a regular basis now. A good keeper will be my main target for the summer for sure. This problem is then taken out of my hands as John Terry offers 150k for him, which I round up to 350k and John pulls up at my house 2 hours later and tosses a thick brown envelope over the wall.

Our other disappointment is losing Charlie Goode for 4 months to a hip injury, which throws my CB situation into focus. I really want to sign one of the two Liam’s in the summer, and I test the water with lowball bids which are both summarily rejected. I’ll review this once we get our promotion bounty — which knowing my luck will be 50p and a box of dodgy fireworks. If I could get hold of enough Titleist Pro v1s I’m sure I could part exchange them with Callum Davidson.

Rugby Park is bouncing as Ayr arrive to finish yet another pointless compaign for them. They are in 4th, mostly thanks to the goals of Tomi Adeloye, but this is all the information I glean from the scouting report as they are fucking irrelevant. I’d rather read about different types of genital fungus. Peter Grant replaces the crocked Goode in central defence and Osborn continues on the left with Anya wandering around in loose robes ahead of his big move to John Terry-land. Before kick-off, Ikechi, Zach, and Sam Walker do a wee lap and wave to the fans. Someone mentions that Brandon Haunstrup is also leaving but he’s at a caravan site in Gourock as I’d forgotten he existed.

Its all us in the opening 20 minutes as Melker roams like a young Kim Kallstrom, and Tony Watt has two chances saved by McAdams in the Ayr goal. Even Liam Gordon is having fun and a mazy run takes him from inside his own half past 4 Ayr players and he shoots…but its tipped round the post. After the resulting corner, the ball goes behind for a goal kick and all of a sudden there is a mass brawl. The fans are apoplectic and I see Big Kev grabbing players by the collar and lifting them away, leaving Scott Fraser on the floor covered in claret.

It turns out, after saying something about Aidan McAdams sister, McAdams has headbutted him, leaving him with a look akin to Terry Butcher. The physios tape him up and McAdams is sent off, with novelty Kilmarnock commemorative stress-balls raining down on him as he exits (maybe a slightly misguided giveaway in hindsight).

At this point Ayr stick every man in their own half and it turns into a game of attack vs defence, with bodies everywhere to block shots. Liam Donnelly, who has been excellent in the past couple of games has an effort saved before we win a corner in the 44th minute. Osborn takes and pings it out to the edge of the area where Scotty ‘Tel’ Fraser meets it on the volley…WHAT A GOAL!! 1–0! And straight from kickoff, we win the ball through Gordon who plays a raking pass to Robinson midway inside the Ayr half. He turns, looks up, and plays a pass that would make Andrea Pirlo weep over the defence to the barrelling Osborn who batters it home for 2–0!

We lose Big Kev at the start of the second half through injury and he comes off to a rapturous ovation. The near 10,000 crowd get on their feet again just after the hour as Robbo crosses for the ever-improving Tony Watt to score. If Liam Gordon is trying to catch my eye he is doing an exceptional job, and after another mazy run he plants home a shot for the 4th on 72 minutes, and Robbo follows up his 2 assists with his 30th goal of the season. At this stage I’m leading the crowd in a Mexican wave across the Frank Beattie stand and I completely miss a rampant Osborn getting his second goal after a great pass from McGrandles, but I don’t miss his strike on 87 minutes completing a sensational Derby Day hat-trick when George Byers draws the keeper and squares for a simple finish. 7–0.

I repeat. 7–0.

There’s a pitch invasion at full-time and the Ayr bus disappears quicker than a pie in front of Kris Boyd. The trophy gets wheeled out again and is taken on a tour of the hostelries around the town over the course of the next 4 days. I collapse exhausted on the Thursday and sleep til the following Tuesday, waking to find my shoes gone and an interesting new tattoo on my hip, seemingly depicting Robbo.

As the season ends, Big Kev gets confirmation he tore his knee ligaments in the Ayr game ruling him out for 4 months and he suggests he’ll take some time to review his future. I tell him to take all the time he needs. He’s been a revelation and worth every penny of the ludicrous wages I offered him.

I sit down at my desk and review the rest of the action over the season in Scotland and beyond.

Rangers win the Premiership with Roofe, Sakala and Morelos scoring 43 goals between them and 9 of their players in the top 12 averages ratings for the season. St Mirren get relegated, meaning I don’t have to visit the Methodome next year (delightful!) and there are surprising relegations for Airdrie and Dunfermline amongst others. Albion are relegated from the Third Division and I’m interested to see who’ll replace them. Rangers lose in the league cup final on penalties to Celtic and 2–1 to Hibs in the Scottish Cup final, sending Leith into a frenzy akin to the last days of Rome and a Ken Russell film. I hear that during the celebrations, Irvine Welsh kidnaps the winning goalscorer — ex West Ham flop Jonathan Calleri — and takes him on a tour of Muirhouse. Heady times indeed.

Across Europe, Sevilla win the UEFA cup for the 17th time in the past 9 seasons beating West Ham 1–0 in the final, and Atleti beat PSG (who sold Neymar for 50m to Real Madrid in January) on penalties after a 1–1 draw. Elsewhere there are title wins for Man City, Milan beat out Inter in Serie A, RB Leipzig win the Bundesliga by 1 goal ahead of Bayern and Sevilla score a remarkable double by winning La Liga. Newcastle appoint Andrea Pirlo and finish 13th, spunking £100m on 8 players.

Closer to home, I win Manager of the year, Robbo gets Player of the year and 6 of our players get voted into the team of the year, which I suspect is decided by Stevie Wonder given he’s picked Sam Walker. When I look at the ratings for the year, I’m a little surprised to see our defenders scoring as low, but we did play rather cavelier attacking football for most of the year. Big Kev was incredible and Tony Watt solved a lot of problems as our permanent striking solution after signing on in January. Melker scored 15 in 40 games from central midfield between his loan spell and post-move and our January signings Byers and Fraser were involved in 18 goals since joining.

We release a host of youth players that are out of contract, only renewing one because there was interest and as soon as he’s signed I transfer list him. I’m like the Keyser Soze of contract negotiations. My further negotiations take place against the backdrop of the World Cup in Italy, with some surprise qualifiers in the shape of Guinea-Bissau, Palestine, Zambia, North Korea, Jamaica and Libya.

I decide to generate some additional funds by selling some of our slightly more redundant squad players like Akpan and Oli Shaw. I make a couple of ambitious bids for Premiership CBs as Brazil lose 1–0 to Austria, and John Terry throws me 500k for Akpan (who was valued at 70k pre-transfer-lising) and has a transit van deliver me bags of £2 coins. Delusional Bastard. Though not as delusional as Karl Robinson, who offers me an eye-watering £1m for Oli Shaw…I can’t accept quickly enough. KEYSER SOZE!!

I lock in a new keeper for 200k on the same day that Japan beat Denmark 1–0, and I notice I’ve nearly got £4m to spend on players now thanks to TV money, promotion money and season ticket money rolling in. I put in some more lowball bids for Mikey Devlin, Declan Gallagher and David Bates which are all rejected and I get a recommendation to sign Ravel Morrison.

I take a long walk into the hills and stare at a plane, considering my own fucking existence at this last message.

All of the minnows fall in the World Cup as the last 16 starts, and I manage to make some headway with the Devlin and Gallagher deals. After much deliberation, I decide to go ahead with the Declan deal and drop the deal for Devlin, but while I’m at it I make a speculative loan bid for another Aberdeen player and wait with bated breath. This could be huge.

1st July. We wave goodbye to Ikechi, Sam, Hope, Brandon and Oli for a combined £2.5 million. Keyser FUCKING SOZEEEEEE!!!!