Back to the Foot-ture — E3

God the West coast feels good right now. I almost feel tempted to pay some youths to get hold of some napalm so I can go full Apocalypse Now as I drink my morning coffee, but I instead make a mental note of this for our title party. Napalm in September seems a tad premature.

We’ve been excellent so far, but my confidence is halted by Hearts bidding for Matt Godden. I submit a matching bid to Coventry and send Robbie Neilson an abusive DM, calling him a wannabe Bon Jovi bastard and threatening to key his car. I’m going fully nuclear at Ade Akinbiyi until I get sight of the transfer list and see an even better striker available. I pretend to be mad and subtly send an offer to London…which is immediately rejected. Fuck you Milwall.

Hearts are spending money like its a competition. They send me a derisory 45k bid for Chris Burke at which point I realise I should probably review contracts. Burkey gets a 12 month offer but Rory McKenzie wont even discuss terms unless I make him indispensible. He isn’t, so I politely tell him to fuck himself with a broom handle and transfer list him. Even if he is a club legend, no one negotiates with me. I negotiate with them, even if it means violence and a small claims court.

Back to the football, we get to play the semi-final of the “Pepperami Tesla Challenge Cup”. It’s our relegation buddies Hamilton travelling to Rugby Park, and the fans are bouncing as we get to kickoff time with a final on the line. There are two changes as I drop the turncoat Godden — who has agreed to join Hearts- for Callum Hendry and Polworth comes in for the suspended Akpan.

They hit the post, but we dominate the first half. We have 7 different shots from 7 different players, but we can’t find a way past Fulton in goal. The second half is quiet and I eventually bring on Godden for Hendry. He has a chance, but its saved and the ball breaks downfield to Lewis Smith. He takes a couple of touches and slots past Walker. 1–0 down. Goodnight Fucking Vienna.

I’m absolutely furious and push us to the next game as quickly as possible. Its again at Rugby Park, this time against Raith Rovers and I make a few changes to try and give us a kick up the arse.

At 16:53, I am relatively satisfied as we secure another good 3 points. Despite our opener by Godden being cancelled out by a Christophe Berra header, Kevin McDonald puts in a great performance pushed forward into the Melker role and gets the winner with 10 minutes to go. Much much better. The only blot is an Anya injury putting him out for 2 weeks.

The following Saturday its a chance for immediate revenge at New Douglas Park. Its an interesting venue, with 2 large raised stands and 2 open sides. The away support pack in behind the goal and I remind the players of the champing we got two weeks ago. I withdraw the wingers and we tinker a little on the personnel front.

Its a chastening stalemate in the end. When Charlie Goode gets sent off early doors I fear the worst, but we actually play really well. Godden and Murray both hit the post but we cant find a breakthrough and it’s our first non-win of the campaign.

Where we do get a breakthrough is in the transfer market. Brad Lyons is away for 240k in January to Motherwell, Chris Burke will head to Dundee for 130k and Rory McKenzie is being booted out the door sharpish for 300k to Dundee as well. I book Chris and Rory a joint taxi for January 1st, and ask them to ensure its a 90s model with a faulty exhaust. We confirm two replacements immediately and I’m extremely excited about both of them. Welcome Bradley Johnson and Scott Fraser.

I have little reason to stay excited though as we have to head to Celtic Park next. They are a pretty imposing outfit, so I decide to sit an extra DMC in. As the disco lights go tonto (we are a big fucking deal) I stroll down the tunnel after the team and gee them up. This could be a wonderful night.

We get a stroke of luck when Greg Taylor is sent off for a horrendous tackle in the 14th minute. From then on we sit on the front foot and create several chances in the first half without taking any of them. After the 45th cross of the half fails to beat the first man, I realise that about 80% of the players I have sold were right wingers and resolve to purchase one forwith.

The second half continues in the same vein and we dominate without scoring. Celtic hit the bar through Welsh but through to 90 minutes and extra-time there is no doubt who has played the better football given Joe Hart gets the MOTM award. But now…penalties.

None of the three misses hit the target. For fuck’s sake.

My entire existence now seems to be searching and re-searching for players. All of my scouts are out and I implore them to find anyone who has limbs that can pass or cross. In anticipation of Godden leaving in January I secure an early replacement by getting Joe Piggot in on loan, who looks perfectly acceptable. He comes onto the bench as we make the long trip up to the Monster-botherers of Inverness.

Its a belter of a game as we take the lead through Godden, only to be breached twice by the never-ending-Cinch-powers of Midge Gardyne. He scores either side of half-time and we look rocky until Scott Robinson fires home towards the end to keep our unbeaten record intact

I leave my customary 6 eggs and a Curry’s Value microwave for Kirk Broadfoot as we leave the stadium and journey back down south. It’s a result very much in keeping with the general feel of “meh” around the club right now. We need a win and we need it now . We get a small moral one in the form of Matt Godden winning POTM for September and we head out for a slap up meal. Well…meal. There is slapping but it mostly Chris Stokes slapping Brandon Haunstrup every time he mispronounces ‘Hoagie’.

But we are now at the end of September and our final assignment of the first quarter of the season. Its Ayrshire Derby time at Somerset Park. Melker is fully fit and we pick what I think is our strongest team.

With 5 minutes on the clock we’ve already had 4 shots and we are rolling. Everyone is getting involved, even big Charlie Goode who strolls forward and plants a shot in that is tipped over the bar. But its not long until a shot is saved from Anya and the rebound falls to Melker, who hits it first time and puts us 1–0 up after 9 minutes. Its 2–0 on 38 minutes as Godden scores again with a shot from just inside the box after a cross by Robinson, and should be 3 but Robinson has a goal wrongly chalked off. I tell the assistant referee to check his eyesight with a laser-pen and some fire and get myself booked for my troubles as it remains 2–0 after 45 minutes.

The second half starts the same way as the first and after Lawless misses two chances, he gets brought down and Scotty smashes the penalty in to make it 3–0. The fans are doing the ‘Sloshnan’ at this point and I look at Ade, Catts and the rest of my staff who look delightedly, if a little bemused. I bring on Joe Pigott for his debut and when we get a penalty late on, Scotty hands him the ball to mark his appearance with a goal and give us an outstanding 4–0 derby win.

And after 9 games, we top the table with a 6 point lead. Its not been faultless but its been pretty damn close at times. I’m sure I’ll rue missing out on silverware and I still hate Hamilton Accies, but the main mission is still on as we wait through the international break for a trip to Arbroath. I have a couple of nibbles in the market but nothing takes hold, so I content myself with a trip to the Isle of Arran for a couple of rounds of golf.

I return to the ground 3 days before the game against Arbroath and get a text to say that Celtic have accepted a loan offer from Dunfermline for Liam Scales. I’ve been trying to get him for 3 months, so I submit a loan offer too and leave it up to him. He makes the right choice and comes straight into the lineup for our trip to the banks of the North Sea to play 2nd placed Arbroath. I greet Dick Campbell again as I arrive and get “And hullo to you, ya wee shite” and I’m still blushing as we kick off.

Scales gets the opener with a header from a corner and Godden gets another (Godden I’m going to miss him) before we decide to give them a small window back into the game with a goal from Hamilton — which sets off my PTSD and Catts has to drag me out the dugout. I give the players encouragement at half-time and they respond by stinking up the place for 20 minutes. We are indebted to Sam Walker for keeping us in the game until O’Brien scores a deserved equaliser for them. I gamble and bring on Callum Hendry up front and go two-up-top. We create a chance but we eventually settle and the game finishes 2–2, with Akpan’s late injury leaving us a man down.

I share a bottle of red with Dick Campbell after the game and we discuss the nuances of Scottish football. This finishes at around 2am in a pub with Dick arm-wrestling Scott Robinson for some kind of Transit Van whilst Bobby Linn sings ‘Club Tropicana’ in the background.

Its the simple things.