A Fistful of Tax Free Dollars: E5
Season 1 brought a number of surprises. Apparently I get taxed at 20 percent, and I learnt that the country was refinanaced post-world-war-2 by selling off fine art, but I also fell in love a little bit with my team from a small village in the Alps.
We might only have 6000 people living here, but they made Vaduz feel ten times bigger by the end of last season. A record 5th placed finish and the domestic cup secured, we are looking upwards for season 2.
Targets:
- Top 3 Finish in the league
- Reach Europa group stages
- Get more Swiss players in
Transfers: Out
I released everyone with an expiring contract as none of them were rated over two stars and I wanted to free up as much budget as possible. Bargas and Messaoud went early followed by Garuccio and Buhler. But our main one was Douglas, who having had a decent loan spell at 2nd tier Lausanne, had RBL bidding an eye-watering £1m for his services. We spend a lovely day in East Germany as I drop him off and wave away Ralf Rangnick’s offer of petrol money. We are fucking golden. Some names here like Lendric may have been surprising departures but it was pretty busy coming back in.
Transfers In:
First up, after losing all of our loanees from last year like Friedrich, Passlack, Silva and Mbabu we had a fairly major rebuilding job on our hands. Akanji, Upamecano and Caleta-Car and Prevljak come in on cheap loans along with a return for Francisco Ramos. David Ivan comes in as a playmaker after nearly a season of scouting and preferring the somewhat shite Pflucke at the same time last year.
Free agent-wise we get some good youth in the likes of Kamara (Arsenal), Bossaerts (Man City), Alborno (Inter) and Rothwell (Man United) after they were all released and I move quickly to get them in. We go slightly bigger getting Mariano and Fran Sol in as our notional new strikeforce and we look like a different animal. There were also Bosman’s arranged for 3 Swiss players, Corbaz heading straight out on loan. — and 5 future transfers for USA Youths as they don’t have any compensation protection. Bosh.
Around the League:
Zurich were relegated to the challenge league to be replaced by Biel/Bienne from the heart of watchmaking country. They bought a couple of our players along with a few loans but look set to fight relegation. Otherwise the headline moves were very much going out of the league as Basel sold Embolo and Boetius for a combined £14m, spending some of it in bringing in Hitz and Miguel Rosa. Who are definitely not as good. Combine this with Pavon not returning on loan and they look significantly weaker. Other eye-catching moves saw Konate leave Sion for £2.3m, Dabbur leaving Grasshoppers and an awful lot of full-backs making sideways moves.
Europe:
We start our Euro campaign against Gibraltar United. Lets just say that it was fairly one-sided across the two legs with an 82–1 shot count and goals for our young youth prospect Hadzipasic.
Slovan Bratistlava were next and after a tough away game in Slovakia, we bring them back to the Rheinpark and thoroughly batter them into something resembling a hearty mountain stew with Fran Sol hitting 3 of our 4 goals across the tie.
The next round brought a bigger challenge in Austria Vienna, who are a significantly bigger name to navigate (Not literally for countdown pedants). We change formation to a suffocating 4141 formation and counter the fuck our of them at home, giving them very few chances and taking a 1–0 lead back to Vienna thanks to a strike from Prevljak.
The second leg is an equally cagey affair as again we look to sit deep and soak up the pressure. We do even better than that as an early goal from Urena gives us a precious away goal and after a comeback is on the cards at 73 minutes, Kuku rises to flick a header from a Ramos free-kick past the keeper for an absolutely priceless 3 points. The tension is palpable in the week as we await our fate for the play-off round ahead of the group stage and bountiful amounts of money. It’s bloody Alan Shearer who reads the balls out and announces “Newcastle versus….Vaduz”
Shit.
Domestic
It’s an identical season start for us as we play Grasshoppers.
Its a really solid win and sets our stall out for a top-3 challenge for the season. However we don’t quite follow it up.
We get an absolute get out of jail free card against Sion when Prevljak comes on an nods in an 87th minute equaliser we scarcely deserved. A good 2–0 derby win on paper was in fact a borefest with 2 shots on target from us and one of our goals being an own goal, before Basel absolutely tear us apart at home.
I mean, to mitigate things, Janjatovic had got a red card against St Gallen which meant the average age of our midfield was 21. Kuku hasnt been able to have a rest as Stahel got injured so he’s playing every single game in a position I don’t really want him to play in, and with so many new players we need a bit more cohesion.
This means that our next match against newly-promoted Bienne sees us playing Marcos at right-wing-back of all places, along with a raft of changes before we finally get an 8 day break ahead of Newcastle.
Its exactly the palate cleanser we need as we take an early lead through Fran Sol before Ivan gets his first for the club. A header 10 minutes from time by Akanji from an excellent Ivan delivery just adds the foam onto the pint of Guinness I sink in the local Irish bar “Paddy O TaxDodge” later on. Its a brilliant performance. I spend the next 7 days looking for possible additions but still cant find the right player. I pull out a deal for a striker and search frantically for full-back cover to no avail before our Europa play-off.
The plane across to Newcastle involves some of the worst turbulence seen outside of horror movies. In fact, Renan looks like he might have brought up a chunk of birthday cake he had for his 9th birthday which isn’t the most ideal preparation. I was going to close things up for the away leg and try to get out with as little damage as possible, before reverting back to our usual 532 at the Rheinpark — but our pre-match scout report suggests they have defensive vulnerabilities. We’ve just about got everyone fit, and a late move for a new right back doesn’t quite materialise in time for kick-off, but I’m happy with what we have. The boys know how big this is and even with a very slightly modified shape, I tell them to attack. This lot are there for the taking.
We have a nightmare start when 4 minutes in, they break and from down our left hand side we surrender an early goal to Arkadiuz ‘I earn 70% of your wage bill per week’ Milik after a cross comes in. However, from there we frustrate Newcastle and have a couple of shots wildly off-target whilst largely being able to keep the ball. I bring on Houtoundji for Upamecano at half-time as he’s feeling the strain against Milik in particular, but Cedric loses him as Thauvin performs some wizardry into the box on the hour and Milik is there again to double my fucking misery.
At this stage, a red card seems inevitible as we’ve had 7 bookings, and its Spirig with the dubious honour as he gets his marching orders with around 20 minutes to go. We go back into our shell and Milik misses a sitter for 3–0 and to kill the tie — and we hold out for a somewhat credible 2–0 defeat. I mean, it’s not impossible. Ish.
We at least get some respite for the jaded Kuku as Reginal Goreux agrees to join to bolster the right wing-back stocks after his release from Standard Liege. He looks far better than I thought on trial and will go straight into our first post-Toon game vs FC Thun.
We probe for most of the first half without result until a move down the right with Goreux switches to left with Facchinetti and the ball into the centre is headed in by Ramos to give us a 1–0 half-time lead. We double it through Urena after making a couple of subs for fitness before conceding a stupid goal when a long through ball bounces past Chapman for Buess to finish. Not that it matters though as Goreux puts in a cross that’s so cunning you could pass it off as a piece of Baldrick dialogue for Ivan to slide it home….only for it to be ruled out for offside and ruining my best line of this episode.
We make some more manouvres in the market with ex-City youngster Bytiqi joining us on a free to give us something a little different in attack. I submit a number of loan bids for playmakers as well and I barely notice the arrival of Steve McLaren at my office door. Newcastle have arrived and we’ve put them in the container changing room behind one goal with the water turned to ‘Alpine’. Well…I need an advantage somehow.
We take our time to build into the game but remain patient, keeping posession whilst kicking any Newcastle player that dares enter the attacking third. With 35 minutes gone, I’m beginning to consider adjustments when Akanji clears forward and the ball breaks to Urena 25 yards out. He swings it out to Facchinetti who crosses to the back post to Kuku, who cuts back again where Urena sweeps it into the far corner!! 1–0! They immediately look to counter and put pressure on, winning a free-kick and pushing men up. Anita swings it in and Renan saves from a weak Sissoko effort before rolling the ball out to Akanji. He plays it to Francisco who begins to link a move through Ivan, Urena and Dejan. The ball works its way out to the left again where Facchinetti is overlapping on the edge of the box and he swings in a cross that evades everyone…BUT KUKU SMASHES IT HOME!
I tell the boys that I think one goal will do it as the songs and cries from the crowd at half-time ring around in the ceiling of the changing room. Newcastle probably have McLaren and the Oompa band in their container — I know where I’d rather be. We push for a 3rd but disaster strikes on 56 minutes when a corner isnt cleared and Thauvin pokes it in in the stramash. I’m just getting Joe and Smail prepared when I hear the crowd getting lively as Kuku and Francisco trade passes before it comes out to Facchinetti again. He pulls in another cross and Urena meets it flush on the volley to make it 3–1! One goal required again!!
With 15 minutes left, a corner from Ivan comes out to Grippo as our corner set-play is unveiled. He slides it to Urena who takes a touch and shoots…SAVED BY KRUL! Its cleared for a throw and it is played back in where Ivan plays an outrageous backheel that fools the defence and leaves Francisco 1-on-1..HE’S BLAZED IT OVER! FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK!
(Now everyone who plays FM knows that around 15 seconds from the end of the game, the higlights will play to show the end of the game. The next higlight started here — with 9 seconds on the clock left.)
Kuku throws into Ivan, who plays to Rothwell who’s tackled. It breaks back to Kuku and with time expiring, he fires a nothing ball down the right looking for Urena which is beyond him and straight to Mbemba.
WHERE FRAN SOL RUNS ONTO IT…..
THE STADIUM HOLDS ITS BREATH!!!!!!
FOG ON THE RHINE ITS ALL MINE ALL MINE, FOG ON THE RHINE ITS ALL MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FRAN SOL SCORES WITH THE FINAL KICK OF THE GAME!!!!!!! WE’VE ONLY GONE AND BEATEN NEWCASTLE 4 PISSING 1!!!!!!!!!!!!
I go straight to the board and demand increases to the junior coaching budget, a feeder club, and a shrubbery as I may have inadvertently irreparably damaged the castle gardens…I’m still vomiting as we turn on the TVs in the ground to see the group draw…
Ooft.
