A Fistful Of Tax Free Dollars E4

We’ve got 7 games and a cup final left and its fair to say that the city of Vaduz is buzzing like a divorcee’s dresser drawer. We’ve finally hit a bit of a purple patch and it looks like a 3 horse race is developing between us, Sion and Young Boys for the European places. I know I’ll likely get one anyway via the Liechtenstein cup but I’d rather get a pass past the round full of teams from Mordor, Minsk and Neptune.

Next up, its a revenge mission against FC Thun. After Marco Rojas had a fucking field day against us last time out, I decide to change the team around to something resembling first choice rather than the accidental second string I put out against Grasshoppers. Christie, Lendric, Urena and Silva all come back in and we look mean and green, not thanks to the fish curry some of them had last night. Never fish in the Rhine and combine it with a Jalfrezi sauce bought from Triesen market.

Its a very good win from our perspective. Silva gave us the lead early only for Sutter to head home the equaliser from a corner. After an hour of domination and nothing to show for it, we spread the ball left and right like butter on a fancy breakfast-based pastry, with Christie swinging in a wicked ball that Lendric heads off the bar and into the path of Silva to slam home the winner. Bosch!

We get the sad news in the week that grumpy Franz tore his cruciate ligaments reaching for a water bottle in a reserve game. He recently removed his transfer request as he believes he is too old to get a decent contract elsewhere, and suddenly rumours are rife that our captain, leader and sometime groundsman will retire. I’d try to persuade him otherwise but he still only gives me one word answers like a Hulk in lederhosen.

We make two changes for our trip to St Gallen in a match dubbed ‘Number 31 of our league season’. Christie goes behind the strikers and Spirig gets a chance to impress on the left, with Messaoud replacing the tired Kuku. I check the club history and see that this is our closest thing to a rivalry — turns out its a 40 minute trip which I completely neglected to research when they beat us earlier in the season.

Both sides spurn chances through Tafer and Silva before Friedrich rises highest to head a corner from Christie off the bar, before knocking in the rebound himself. We make it two when Passlack flies down the right and pulls it back for Silva to double our lead. As is now tradition we look brilliant and should be 4–5 up, only to concede a goal late on and stumble to a finsih after Tafer scores. Still it saves me money on clean sheet bonuses for Uilson who looks thoroughly annoyed.

I can see our next league game is in Zurich, our next closest rivals, but first we have the prestige and honour of the Liechtenstein cup final against our feeder club Eschen/Mauren. Its being played at a neutral venue, which happens to be our home ground as no where else is big enough. I pretend not to know any of the groundstaff and they get thoroughly pissed off that I introduce myself to all of them in a cod-swiss accent. I rotate the entire team, even giving Peter Jehle a potential farewell appearance in goal as Bargas and Urena form a cosmopolitanly shite strikeforce.

There’s only 5 minutes on the clock when Passlack and Messaoud combine on the right and the cross from Felix is turned in by a ghosting Pflucke. Urena makes it two from a Spirig cross on the quarter-hour and its looking like a long day for Eschen/Mauren, especially when Bargas picks a beautiful through ball for Urena to make it 3–0 at half-time. The first action of the second half is the visitors though as Kleber collects a long ball over the top and knocks a first-time volley past Jehle, and incredibly we concede again ten minutes later from an identical move with Piperno outpacing Chapman to knock it home for 3–2. I hook the useless Hugo and the confused kangaroo botherer for Friedrich and Silva and minutes later its 4–2 as Urena knocks home a rebound after good play by Ramos, finishing the game as a contest as we play it out trying to add to our lead without a shithouse Australian who doesn't understand what ‘Run you fucking Knob’ is in German in defence.

Europa League football confirmed, we travel on the club coaches with 300 fans all paid for by the club as a reward for winning the Cup. Zurich are teetering and its fair to say that their manager Ulrich Forte’s Forte isnt winning games. They’ve lost their last 4 and another could well make it terminal. We go back to full strength for the game when I remember we lost the last game against them 2–0. We are on a roll and a full on revenge tour.

As usual we should be several up by half time but Pflucke and Urena in particular are in a wind up mood and insist on missing easy chances. Uilson makes a brilliant save on the stroke of halftime to keep it 0–0 at the break. Despite winning the shot count, none of them threaten the Zurich goal and its petering out to a 0–0 draw when Mbabu wins a heavy tackle in injury time and the ball breaks to Bua on the wing. He plays a cross that would make Andrea Pirlo weep pure Limoncello and the score at the back post as I throw every single toy that I own out of a small child’s mobile transport device. Actually fuck you Zurich with your public transport and post-offices and unreasonable prices for a packet of fucking rice. Fucking Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck.

I spend most of the week absolutely livid and looking at Bosman’s for the summer. I’ve missed the boat but I’m going to look at the youth releases and try to pick up a bargain or two rather than any big free agent splashes. I do offer a deal to our young Liechti-prospect Hadzipasic, and bring him into the first team squad for the last couple of games.

Our next game against Luzern sees me read the riot act to the boys. Janjatevic is banned for the 400th time this season but its still a very strong team we put out. We should have more than enough for a side sitting in 8th in the table and who’s last valuable contribution to society was meta-physics.

We take the lead early when Christie gets free down the left and delivers a ball to the front post that Ramos ghosts into flick past the keeper at the near post. We lead up to the hour but a long ball does our back three and the gigantic figure of Michael Frey has all the time in the world to order his dinner, bottle of Burgundy and slot home past Uilson. It’s looking like another day or frustration and fury but we hit back in the 78th minute when a Silva shot drops into the path of Passlack to slot home. With time expired, Spirig puts in a cross which is cleared and Pflucke plays it back out to Spirig. His second cross is better and Urena meets it on the volley, hitting it at the keeper who can only spill it into the path of Andre Silva who smashes home in the 95th minute for 3–1! The teacups can breathe again.

The next game is a big’un. Young Boys come to the Rheinpark with the winner taking the edge in the battle for 3rd place. They are in red hot form and we miss the injured Kuku, who will miss the end of the season. I try to gee the boys up as the entire village crams into the ground.

5 minutes in, we break out from a free kick midway in our own half, we pass patiently up the park and swing it right to Passlack. He drives forwards and delivers a delicious ball which Silva pokes home. It doesnt last long though as a free-kick 40 yards out finds an unmarked Hadergonaj at the back post to slot home. Horeau then gives them the lead shortly after and its us chasing the game yet again. Despite kicking the living fuck out of them, they are far more clinical and I’m not surprised when Nuzzolo gets their 3rd — dropping us down to 4th place, a single point ahead of Sion.

Our last two games? Sion and title chasing Basel. Gulp.

I I realise after the game that Conor Chapman is one game away from hiswages being doubled thanks to a clause in his contract. I resolve to not play him and review in the summer. I start to offer some trials to released players from Serie A and prepare the boys for Sion by cancelling all training and telling the players to not get injured. Genius management. As I pick the side I have to drop half my first XI as they are shattered — and what follows is a game I wont even give the dignity of describing.

Nil fucking Nil.

Lugano lose as well meaning that Basel go into the final day knowing if they beat us they are champions. For fuck’s sake. I just want a summer break. Even the castle attendant are sick of the site of me and they've stopped responding to my requests to play scrabble online.

So we welcome Basel to Vaduz with the sole purpose of spoiling each and every party that they have planned. We go with the strongest side that we can pick and I tell the boys to ruin the title party so that Breel Embolo leaves and he can stop haunting my dreams.

We should open the scoring when a break sees Ramos get free one-on-one and fire at Vaclik when he should score. We’re punished when Abraham slots home after a set-piece isn’t cleared minutes later — but Stahel crosses for Lendric to equalise on the half-hour and they begin to look very very nervy.

Well for 45 seconds. Boetius scores straight from kick-off…but we equalise again as another excellent Stahel cross finds Ramos to batter home to make it 2–2 at half-time and send our Ultras wild. The second half is a bit more cagey and Lendric and Urena waste good chance to put our dominance into something concrete. Basel fans start shouting as Lugano take the lead in their game but are pegged back quickly so with 20 minutes left Basel are still top. We on the other hand are out the Euro spots as Sion are 4–0 up away at Thun.

Uilson makes a great save from Huszti before Silva has a close range effort tipped round the post by Vaclik. We then go the length of the pitch in the 87th minute as Janjatovic finds Lendric to Christie onto Silva and finally to Spirig overlapping….SAVED!

Basel win the title. We finish 5th. We start Europe in about 5 minutes time. Fuck it all. I’m going to burn down the castle.

Well I am until I find out that our previous best position was 9th, and that the board and fans love me like I’ve just completed a complicated tax form.

Passlack cleans up the end of season awards and I pray that we can get him on loan for another season on his paltry wages. Janjatovic and Kuku were also excellent and Spirig finished the season as our 4th best rated player.

Its not been a bad season overall I guess. We definitely need a better left wing back solution and maybe a right wing back, and someone who can stick the ball in the back of the net if we cant get Silva back — he finished with 10 in 18 after his midseason loan move.

But for now, I depart to the castle for a glass of wine and a fight with a ticket seller. The delights of Vaduz know no bounds.