A Fistful of Tax Free Dollars E3

The winter break in Switzerland is long. After spending two weeks eating toblerone and another couple visiting online forums looking at Nazi gold store conspiracy theories I’m a bit stuck for things to do, short of going to Vaduz castle for the 40th time. They give me a free coffee and I overlook the town in all its wintery glory.

I have plenty of time to look at bringing some new players in and getting some players out too. Our new partnership with Den Bosch allows me to send 5 reserve players out on loan, plus the expensively waged and underperforming Djuric is shipped out. Schupf goes as well after expressing annoyance at a lack of football and I get a fee for him the day before his contract goes 6 months from expiry. I also send Costanzo back from his loan as I just don’t like him.

This gives me plenty of wiggle room in the budget to get some players in and by the time we get to our next game in mid-february I am very happy with the squad. William is a young Brazilian with decentish promise on a low wage, and Garuccio is a left-back propect who was unexpectedly released, but otherwise our other 5 arrivals are genuine first team prospects, particularly Silva as he can genuinely play as a ‘Complete Forward’ and Chapman as he has 4.5 star potential.

Our next game against our whipping boys Grasshoppers sees us Silva and Christie making debuts. We have the run of the game and take the lead through the nomadic Hugo Bargas, who scores just 15 minutes after coming off the bench, but we are pegged back by Shani Tarashaj and have to settle for a point in a game that we should have won. Still a point takes us up to 3rd place.

Markus Babbel gets binned by Luzern after they hit 10th place, and as the transfer window closes we lock down two Bosman additions for the summer, both domestic players to assist our squad registration requirements. Our next challenge is surprise leaders Lugano, who were favourites to go down along with us but find themselves with an 8 point cushion in first place with the madcap Zdenek Zeman in charge. Time to knock the fuckers down a peg.

Well rather than knocking them down a peg, we get knocked off our perch and hit every single fucking branch on the way down to a puddle of shit. We absolute batter them, and should be out of site, but get sucker punched by two goals down the left hand side. Andre Silva equalised and we pushed for a winner until the counter-attacking second. Fucking fuck. I give the players an absolute bollocking and take all of their Vaduz castle passes off them for two weeks as punishment.

Our next couple of games don’t see the situation improve. Firstly, we go to Thun and lose 2–0 as Marco Rojas burns out left hand side to ashes and kills us early. Our next game against Luzern sees us go down 2–0 only to pull it back to 2–2 thanks to a brace from Andre Silva from two Passlack crosses. As we push for a winner, Passlack gets sent off for some mild GBH and Conor Chapman scores a late own goal from another cross from the left back position to consign us to another defeat. Actually fuck off you stupid fucking tax-haven representing, Nazi gold hoarding spineless bastards.

We make a few changes for St Gallen at home as I chuck Ryan Christie to left wing-back by virtue of him having a left foot. We go 1–0 up early when Lendric scores on his return to the side after good work from Christie. We should ice the cake like a speed addled baker, but we keep our lead and see out a 1–0 win to bounce back to winning ways and move back up to 5th in the table.

We also get our first youth intake of the save and boy, is it fucking slim pickings. We allegedly have a blue-chip prospect in Albig — although on close inspection he’s a better prospect than me, but most of the German-speaking world would be better than him. We sign him up anyway for the sake of Liechtenstein.

Its a trip back to the Wankdorf next as we take on the vastly-improved Young Boys, who are now in 3rd coming up to the close of the season. We make a fantastic start when Lendric slots home having found space on the edge of the box and its dreamland as Friedrich heads in the second minutes later. Unfortunately whilst Ryan Christie is dangerous on the left hand side going forwards, he is an absolute fucking danger when it comes to defending and another cross from (you guessed it!) the left back area sees Horeau fire home to make it 2–1 after a quarter of an hour.

Its anyone’s game as it goes up to the hour when a Chrisie cross sees Lendric bundled over and the Scot steps up to put us 3–1 up and give us the three points and Young Boys offer little riposte. A vital 3 points and a real platform win.

We get a chance for the closest thing to a free hit in the league as we face the out of form and bottom of the table Zurich at home next. We go nearly unchanged and set about them with vigour, creating several chances without finding a finishing touch in the first half, prompting me to call for Hugo Bargas anf Pflucke.

It’s fair to say that I’m beginning to see Pflucke as a Plucking useless piece of shite, and Hugo has obviously left his shooting boots in Bolivia or Paraguay or on one of the outer fucking moons of Neptune, because the boy cant hit a fucking barn door. We get sucker punched twice by headers from crosses from the dreaded LWB area and that's it, we’re lost to the bottom side in the league. We’re about as consistent as Adam Ant without his medication. We cling onto 5th but we’re only 4pts clear of the play-off spot. What the fuck even is this league and/or team.

Our next game against Sion sees captain Grippo return for Chapman in our only change. I resist changing Ryan Christie as I want his attacking input from LWB and I know that we can chase Sion having beaten them well last time we played them. We make a perfect start when a corner routine sees the ball hit to the edge of the area where Urena acrobatically De Canio’s it into the top corner from a Christie delivery.

Minutes later, we try the same again but Urena’s shot is blocked. The rebound bounces out to him and he wriggles down the right, crossing for Andre Silva to double our lead after 18 minutes. We continue to dominate into the latter stages when surprise, surprise — a cross in from our left finds Kouassi running on to slide it past Uilson. Luckily though, we see out the game with a minimum of fuss to move back into 4th place.

Next up is Basel again and they make several changes, with Sporar and Huszti new faces from our lest encounter as they try to chase down Lugano. They take an early lead through the Slovenian, but we keep possession and create a couple of chances to equalise but they go closer when they hit the post in the 55th minute. The game goes end to end and we hit the bar from a Passlack piledriver and they appeal for a second when Uilson appears to throw one in by mistake. I get desparate and chuck on Hugo and in the 90th minute he meets a cross from Passlack, getting a good enough connection to beat the keeper…but not the post. A 1–0 loss. Balls.

Entering the final round of fixtures, our first opponent is pace-setters Lugano. We battered them last time only to be undone by a late goal, and I fire up the press by basically saying I think they are tacky and I hate them. We get a capacity crowd in as I bring Mbabu in for the unavailable Passlack and the useless Bargas for Lendric after his proclamation to the Liechtenstein Gazette that he’ll end his goal drought. Honestly Hugo, fucking do it. Please.

The first half is a cagey affair with no highlights at all, and the first highlight of the second half is a Lugano free-kick, which Grippo misses and Donis nods over Uilson for a thoroughly undeserved 1–0 lead to the visitors. We huff and puff and throw on replacements, with Christie crossin in the 82nd minute where Urena meets it with a volley that crashes off the bar. Just when I’m beginning to plan my apologies to the national trust of Vaduz for damaging a historic wall with a toffe hammer, Messaoud plays a glorious through ball to Andre Silva, who takes it one-on-one and slams home to equalise. A point rescued from a winnable game.

We get a chance to get some goal in as its time for the semi-finals of the Liechtenstein Cup. Balzers are our opponents from the 4th tier of Swiss football alongside Toblerone FC and Cuckoo Clock Athletic. We’re 4–0 up after 30odd minutes and coast to victory like a fat kid on a lilo in Cyprus.

Foolishly, ahead of our next game against 9th placed Grasshoppers I continue the game without amending my starting lineup, leaving Hugo and Ivan Lendric up front with Andre Silva not in the matchday 11 and most of my first choice defence on the bench or out the squad. However, we still have the assist machine that is Felix Passlack and he lays on a glorious cross for Lendric to give us the lead in the 16th minute. Our corner routine then comes off again as Pflucke hits Nathan on the edge of the box. He hits it first time into Spirig who takes a touch and hammers it into the bottom corner for 2–0.

My regulars look a little shocked, granted also well rested as I let the reserves continue their staking of claims for spots. Silva and Christie enter at the hour and we look set to see the game out until Nathan commits a clumsy foul with 5 minutes left. I turn away as my old CM0102 nemesis Kim Kallstrom steps up…and Uilson saves! A 2–0 away win! Spirig MOTM! Forza Liechtenstein!

This takes us up to the dizzying heights of 3rd place (having played a game more than some) but it’s a huge milestone for the club. We hit one of the 3 pubs in the village that stay open after 10pm and I survey what I’ve built. I am a golden fucking god.